So I'm Lazy - Sue Me.

My attempt to re-hide my blog consisted of changing the address. Clever, eh? Yes, I know I could have gone to LiveJournal or some other place, Yes, this time I know that people can find me pretty easily. If someone wants to go through all the trouble of searching me out, well, welcome! Otherwise, it's just gonna be me and my thoughts and my life.

The last weekend really took some of my joy away. Not away from my actual joy at having the baby, of course, It just served to take away from my general feelings of happiness and contentment. It sucks that something that is so irrelevant can cause so much unhappiness, but it did. Hopefully the people who have been flaming me will lose interest if it's not so easy to get to me from a link on another blog. People LOVE their drama though, so we'll see.

On to some actual baby shit! Julie had her first baby doctor appointment yesterday, and I was there. I'm not sure, but I don't think I've ever been more uncomfortable in my life. First she has to get butt naked (which I'm all for) to put on the little paper gown. Then the doc comes in and chats it up for awhile. He finishes with the niceties and calls the nurse, and that's when the fun begins. The nurse breaks out a speculum (don't ask me how I know what it is,just go with me) and these reeaaaaaaal long sticks with cotton on the end of them. Dr. Wu is our doc, by the way, and he steps on this machine that makes the stirrups come out from under the table Julie is sitting on. It's at this time I start to sweat. I'm not sure if I should be in the room or not, you know? It just felt a little inappropriate. So he starts his exam by checking her breasts. Now, talk about weird. Some random dude is touching my girls boobs! I had to look away because I didn't want to stare! It was weird and I didn't want the nurse to think I was getting off on it or anything.

Now comes the fun part. She has her legs in the stirrups - butt-ass naked, remember - and he gets this incredibly bright lamp, and he and the lamp park themselves comfortably between my girlfriends thighs. Whoa! It was during this moment I realized I was very, very tense. Again, this is weird. I'm freaking out because I don't know what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to look! Do I say something? Is this the time to ask questions? If I distract him will he get startled and mess up? Just what is he doing down there? Can I look? During this whole time, he's chatting about Julie's sister and her baby, cracking lame doctor jokes and telling little stories! At this point I start to think I'm feeling a little dizzy, but there is nowhere to lie down. Then *BAM*! With a practiced snap of his glove into the biohazard bin, it's over. He tells me to stop hyperventilating (that's a joke), gives Julie a basket full of magazines and pre-natal vitamins and sends us down to get blood work. Julie has A- blood, so I have to be tested to see if I have positive blood. If I do, then Julie has to get a shot at 28 weeks (I think) and right after she has the baby. That will keep her body from identifying the baby as a virus and creating antibodies to attack it. Yeah, crazy. In four weeks we go back, and that is when we will get the first ultrasound. We're thinking about getting the 4D ultrasound, man is THAT shit cool!

When we got home last night we were lying in bed together with Monday Night Football playing as background noise. She was going through the basket of goodies she got from the doctor, and I was on the laptop looking at pregnancy fitness websites. It was a good feeling, a really good feeling. It's weird when people talk about my "family, " but that is truly what I have now; a family. Life is good, man, life is good.

I'm tired, and losing interest

This thing has become a monster. It seems Julie's whole family has now read this blog. The mere process of observation inevitably changes that which is being observed. What has this blog become? I'm not really sure, but it is certainly not what I had in mind. Now when I start writing, I have to think about what I'm going to say. I have to wonder what the backlash can or will be. I have to consider if I really want people close to me to know SO much about my inner thoughts, fears and realizations. The answer, of course, is no. I think it's ok to be honest with people and discuss emotions and feelings, but I certainly don't feel comfortable with Julie's entire family being able to read everything I think I feel.

I feel good when I look at some of the things I have written. I can see some growth, some realizations and that's why I started this. In the last couple days, though, I just see irritation. I see it in my posts and in my comment replies. I'm just tired of it all, it's become far too much drama. Julie is at a critical time in her pregnancy, and she's had nothing but negative stress for the last 3-4 days. Those feelings transfer to our baby, and that's a sad thing to me. Julie is my life, and I've been unable to protect or shelter her during these last few days and that - for lack of a better term - sucks. I started this hoping for a good thing and it has turned into a bad thing. In the immortal words of the genius, Trent Reznor,

"Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away."

A blog about MY feelings

Seriously, I felt the need to title it that way because, fuck me, It's been about these mother fucking "infertiles" for the last three days. The stress finally got to me about 2 hours ago. Julie was actually typing a reply to one of these ignorant bitches that keep flaming me, and I asked her what she was doing. She was frustrated and yelled, "Don't talk to me while I'm fucking typing!" Well I didn't take that very well, and I yelled at her. It broke down into a full blown argument and I said two very fucked up things, neither of which I mean, or that had ever crossed my mind until the exact moment I said them. The unfortunate thing about this situation is that it isn't the first time that I've been a spur-of-the-moment asshole. The really unfortunate thing is that it regrettably will not be the last. It's hard to be with me, it really is. I think I have a lot of good qualities but I also have some unique, um, challenges. The plain and simple fact of it is, we would probably argue more if it weren't for the fact that Julie is a tremendous person, and she let's a lot of my garbage just roll off her back. Sometimes though, I can be really hurtful. My gift with words can be used for evil as well as good! If I think about it, I guess that, in some recess of my mind, i did mean to bother her with the things I said, but I never meant for it to hurt the way it did. Just for the record, the things were legitimately hurtful, not she's-pregnant-and-over-reacting hurtful. As I was trying to apologize, she said, "what are you going to say to the baby if you get mad at it? Are you going to just yell and spout off hurtful shit and try to apologize later?" Well, shit. It pissed me off that she said that, but it is certainly cause for pause. It bothers me because it's a legitimate question, a little too close to home. It's very daunting when I think of all the things that I'd like to change and improve upon before my baby is born.

Julie has a friend named Ariane. There are times that I have questioned certain things about their relationship but as I stated earlier, times of "crisis" are when you learn the most about people. I think it's quite telling that Ariane has come to my defense in the last couple days. She really has no need to, except that she probably feels a bit protective of me, because I'm the boyfriend of her close friend. By coming to my defense, she is really trying to defend her friend, and that is a beautiful thing. Relationships change and grow, and sometimes they go through awkward and uncomfortable periods. True friendship; however, perseveres.

"One man with courage makes a majority."

Andrew Jackson said that. Arthur Schopenhauer said, " We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people." Ralph Waldo Emerson, a favorite writer of an ex-girlfriend, said, " Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying." Voltaire said, " those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. I say, "You learn everything you need to know about a person during times of crisis." It speaks volumes to me that Amy posted on my blog. It means to me that, though the words may have stung, the relationship is strong enough to survive. That means the world to me. You see, I grew up in St. Louis, where dating "outside your race" is still prohibited. Never in my life has anyone's family accepted me. Because I'm biracial, I've either been too white, or too black, or not enough Armenian, Korean, Brazilian, etc. That has never been an issue with Julie's family. They have never made me feel uncomfortable because of who I am, and I cannot express what a refreshing thing that is.

I'm trying to search my feelings to see how I feel about all these flames that are coming. I really don't care, but it is bothering me because it is bothering Julie. She feels like these people don't know us, but I say fuck 'em, they're just bitter, jealous and hateful. This whole drama has become way too, well, dramatic! There are some people who are so miserable in their tiny little lives that they can not STAND for other people to be happy. The bottom line is that Julie and I are happy, and we will continue to be. We are having a child, and that will be the focal point of our lives forever! It's not my fault that some of you can't have kids - take your anger out on nature, or God, or whatever it is you believe in. I don't know any of you, nor would I care to. Enjoy your misery, because it's yours alone.

I'm happy, and I'm going to have a baby. Get over it.

It's Official: I'm over it.

I'm not Buddha. As I've stated before, I'm not a very patient man, It's something I need to work on. These comments from self proclaimed "infertiles" are, well, pathetic. I was going to post a hearty "Fuck You" but Julie and I talked about it, and there are actually a couple interesting things I thought of. There are some of you that I shudder to think that you may someday have a child. Are you going to transfer all your hate and venom to your kids? Are you going to teach them to intrude on other people's lives? Will you teach them that procreation is a bad thing, and make them feel horrible when they get pregnant?

In reading some of the comments on the last two posts I made, It's clear that some people just don't get it. It's like, as Julie said, that these people have found a beacon of sorts in which to direct their anger. I'm young, I'm having a baby effortlessly, I have a great relationship with my partner, and I was recently given a business. This, apparently has caused stress for some of you people. You know what? I don't care.

There is one comment I'd like to address. Some anonymous coward asked (I'm paraphrasing) if I would expect a blind man to not be bitter just so I wouldn't feel bad when he ran into walls. First off, blind people seldom run into walls, they have those little sticks. Secondly, do not compare your plight with someone who is blind, concentrate on your own issues without minimizing other peoples burdens. Thirdly, yes, I would tell him to be less bitter. There is no reason to be hateful, regardless of your situation. There are people with TS that I say the same things to. This woe-is-me bullshit that is constant from some of these people is tiring and pathetic. Let it go for fuck sake.

So this is it I've been thoughtful, I've tried to see things the way you people see them and you keep attacking me. That's fine because most of you are cowards who either don't leave names and links for me to reply to you, or you make up names in attempts to use my words against me, like "your aunt." You wanted to get to me? You got to me. In the interest of keeping this blog honest and exposing my naked self; you got to me. I'm annoyed, I'm aggravated and I'm frustrated that you people just don't seem to get it. And wrong as this may be, It makes me far less sympathetic. I don't care who you are or what you've been through, if you're an asshole, you're an asshole. Now it's over. This blog is supposed to be about my feelings of transitioning into parenthood, and I don't see any of those feelings coming out the last few days. All of you so-called "infertiles" (and the sister of an infertile) can fuck off now, 'cause I'm closed for business. You can find somewhere else to get your daily fix of drama to spice up your mundane lives. You can go somewhere else to spit your cowardly anonymous vitriol. Kitchen's closed. The bottom line is, this debate has run its course; it just isn't interesting anymore.

Now for some positive news: I got my first internet "Fuck you!" how exciting! It's always nice, as a writer, to know that you've touched nerves in people. That is truly the only way to know that your writing has been effective. I'm touched, really.

Why I am such a lucky guy

Ok, now I know that love can be a bit cloying when you have to hear others talk about how much they're in love, but I really am quite the lucky man to have Julie in my life. On Amy's blog there is quite a few people that have said a lot of very unkind things. I've tried to just ignore it all, I didn't think it was appropriate to get into a war of words with anyone on someone else's blog. Is there such a thing as blog etiquette, I wonder? Anyway, Julie, I guess, was reading these comments and felt the need to defend me. I tried to get her to reconsider, telling her it wasn't worth it, and that there was no need to perpetuate the thread. She said, "Why do you think you're the only one in this relationship that can feel protective?" Match, set, point. Here then, is the transcript of what Julie said:

Tim, 'Jaileer' is a tremendous human being. This week he has done nothing but try to protect the feelings of his child and his child's mother. He is introspective, and COMPLETELY honest with himself about his shortcomings, emotions, and fears. I think that you would all understand the need for a new father to want to protect his newly formed family. This man has done nothing but love and support me- and our love has grown exponentially each day since we discovered we were going to become parents. A LOT of his initial reaction was - as he has acknowledged- overboard, but stems from what he saw his best friend and my other sister go through 2 years ago- That wasn't us, but since, we actually DID plan to have children together and have talked EXTENSIVELY about it we knew that the same thing might happen to us. He wanted my brother to hug me and he wanted to call my sister and tell her the exciting news right away and was upset and hurt for ME when this could not happen - Gee what a total JERK-eh? He did not say anything on his blog about my family that he did not say to them (with the exception of Amy and this community, which is sad for us all because one of her "friends" decided to point her in this direction)- I wish Amy realized that before she made her post.
I am not naive, Amy knows I am not naive, and she knows Tim is not either. Perhaps it is good to support her without badmouthing the two of us- especially since, unlike his blog, you all know we are going to be reading this. I would be very surprised if my sister, who shows me every day how much she adores me, does not feel even just a little defensive for Tim and I right now. Amy was a wonderful host over Thanksgiving and we shared some wonderful moments, which I am sure would have been blogged about by Tim if this had not all come about. I love that Tim is willing to admit he has a lot to learn, I love that he is fiercely protective of me and my feelings (which, up until today have not been hurt AT ALL). I HOPE my baby sees the love that he has for it in his writings. Just as you all need to protect you and yours, so do we. I am proud of Tim this week. I am proud of Amy this week. I am sad Amy had to see what were initial reactions to what he perceived as someone-anyone, sucking away my joy. I know that Amy would want for me a man so strongly devoted to us, I know I do. I will tell you what I tell him, which he so lovingly appreciates and ponders despite his sometimes stubborn self. Remember Tolerance and Acceptance- always. Please think about supporting Amy with love for her and not hate for us. Amy's niece or nephew will thank you all for it. That is all I will write, this is Amy's venue and I want it to return to being a positive place for her as soon as possible, I love her very much- Amy, together we'll break these chains of love!!!
- Julie

Jealous? You should be, cause she's gorgeous, too!

Comment comments:

First, I'd like to clarify a post I made earlier because it seems many people are confused. I know that Julie won't start showing until the third or fourth month; that was my point! My point was that we went and spent all that money and bought all those clothes when we have NO idea how big she is going to be. We looked at the clothes today and it was quite funny because we seemed to have had a total disregard to size. We have small's, large's and I think even one extra large! I'm new to this, sure, but I'm 30, people, I'm not completely unaware. My fault, though. A good writer should make his points completely unambiguous. Unless, of course, he's trying to be ambiguous, which I wasn't. Does anyone get my humor but me? Because I think I'm really quite funny...

Yes, I did talk about my olive branch to my Aunt, and yes, it is all about me on my blog. If you don't like hearing about me, read someone else's narcissistic ramblings.

Julie and I may seem naive to many of those whom have had the misfortune of going through miscarriages - in some cases several miscarriages. We are a touch naive, sure, this is our first time! I would ask of you that you don't steal our innocence from us. Allow us to be happy and revel in our gift. We know that there are chances that something could go wrong, and of course we're concerned about it. Perhaps next time we will wait three months but this time our joy overwhelmed us, and once we told a few people, those people told people, then we had to tell a bunch of people so no one's feelings were hurt! I know that repeated misfortune can cause one to become jaded, but give us our ignorance. Ignorance is, after all, bliss.

There is only one thing that I feel the need to apologize to Amy about, and that is taking her words and pasting them into my blog. As a (wanna-be) writer, I feel horrible about that because in hindsight, I know better. I also feel bad that anyone's feelings were hurt, but I can't apologize for my feelings, so an apology would be dishonest, and it would be a disservice to someone that I respect a good deal. That apology will come, in person, at the right time. If there are those among you that can't deal with it, feel free to stop reading my blog.

I'd like to reiterate for (hopefully) the last time: I never intended for anyone to see this blog. I still have NO idea how the inner machinations of the blog world work; and I really don't care to, but I do realize now how easy it is to find one. I'd say that lesson was learned a bit late, so what am I to do about it? I've never given anyone this address, and won't. I'm ecstatic that some people enjoy my style of writing and what I have to say. After all, I have a blog, I'm a narcissist! That being said, however, I don't care if you come back or not. Feel free, I guess the cat's out of the bag, but if you don't that's great too. This is not a plea to stop leaving shitty remarks because, like I said, if you're leaving shitty comments and you're anonymous, you're a coward and I'm not at all concerned with your opinions. If you disagree with something I say, I'd be more than happy to listen to you, and discuss why I feel the way I do. Perhaps I'll learn something, you know? Thanks to Lisa, my first lessons have already been learned. Not bad for only one week. Man, what a week though, eh?

People always say, "Don't talk about religion or politics!" Well why the hell not? Why would I want to talk about shit that doesn't matter? I want to discuss things that people are passionate about! I want to talk about things that matter; I want to learn. Talking about sports or cars or even babies is fun and necessary, but there is a whole big world out there, and it begs to be explored. If I can't explore it myself, I expect you to help me! Julie likes to say that life is a river and everybody is their own stream or something like that. Essentially she just means that everyone has their own thoughts, opinions and lives, and those differences should be celebrated. Such a smart girl...

This is my first post geared exclusively towards the people I know are going to read this later, and hopefully my last. I have turned a corner, but I hope it's not too late to go back. I guess things grow and adapt, and if that is what this becomes, I should just go with it. Everything is organic, everything changes. I just hope that I'm able to continue writing honestly. Should be interesting.

The marriage thing. Listen, I don't have anything against people that get married, I just don't see the point in it. That doesn't mean I think people are wrong, it just means it's not for me; like religion. I think a big part of marriage is rooted in religion, which has it's roots in a lot of pagan rituals. That's cool and all, but thanks anyway. I don't feel the need to prove my love of Julie to outsiders and onlookers. As long as Julie and I know we are in love, then we are in love! I don't need an antiquated ritual to prove it to me. Divorce rates are 60% anyway, so where is the sanctity of marriage that people try to bring up? That's why I say gays should be allowed to marry and divorce just live the rest of our population! Who the hell cares?

For those of you who keep saying to look at things from Amy's perspective; I'm trying. I will hopefully never know how she feels, so I'll hopefully never fully understand. As someone who cares about Amy, I'm impressed that she has such a strong support group that has undeniably helped her through a very difficult period in her life. That being said, as much as I could be more understanding, many of you could be a lot less bitter. Perhaps we all could use some introspection. Would you like it if everyone had the issues you're having? Would it make you feel better if everyone had to suffer the misery and the pain that you've had to? Would you wish your plight on your sister, your cousins, your loved ones? Just because it hasn't happened to us doesn't mean we don't still love you, it just means we might not fully get it. We know you're unhappy, we just don't get how unhappy you are. You know what? I understand that feeling. Like I said before, I have Tourette's Syndrome. It causes me to twitch quite a bit, especially when I'm stressed or upset. (Oh hey, like this week!) I make noises, I crack my knuckles and make noises during funerals and weddings and any other time I'm supposed to be quiet. The worst part is the OCD and the ADD. My OCD has caused a lot of pain for me, Julie, and everyone else I've ever loved. Am I looking for sympathy? Nope. Am I trying to compare what I have to what you're going through? No. What I'm saying is, I understand the feeling of, "no one understands except people who have gone through what I've gone through." You cannot alienate everyone that isn't like you. Everyone is fucked up in their own way. Accept it.

Quick hits: Thanks again, Lisa and thank you, Sonetka for the apology, it is most certainly accepted; thanks to Watkins, the first person who found this little mess, and has said some very kind things; yes, Anonymous Person, I realize my "baby" is just an embryo, but you're a liar if you tell me you wouldn't be as excited as I am. More cautious, perhaps, but no less excited; calling me a "fertile" is funny, even though I know it shouldn't be.

Finally, to the person who sent my blog to Amy: What were you hoping to accomplish? Was it really because you were concerned for her, or are you simply one of those people who love a good drama? People's emotions were affected by your actions, peoples lives, even. This blogging shit may seem an anonymous and faceless escape, but actions and words have consequences. I hope, for your sake, that you had only the best intentions for Amy.

questions

A line from a song I like goes, "I need a couple A's for Q's, I'm not an asshole I'm just a little confused."

I received a comment earlier this evening from someone who came here by way of Amy's blog. This person, Lisa, really made things make sense and put some things in perspective. She said a lot of things, but i think the bit that made it all stick was, "you're right that your pregnancy has nothing to do with amy, but sometimes when a woman is trying so hard to become a mother everyone's pregnancies seem like personal assaults. i'm not an hysteric but it did sometimes feel like a vast conspiracy. and no matter how one tries to be rational the pain just overwhelms everything." I truly feel that even though I have always felt symapathetic for Amy and Tim's plight, I now feel empathy for them. I think it is a key difference, and it turns on a lot of lights, and provides some insight on a lot of things. Thank you, Lisa.

The interesting thing about today's events is that it makes me think of my own family. Without going into boring-ass detail, I haven't spoken to my aunt or my cousins in about 3 years. I will, however, say that the reason is the same type of reason I've been so angry at certain factions in Julie's family - I'm VERY protective of people I love. In this case my Aunt hurt my mother, and I cut her out of my life. After I told her what a hypocrite she was, of course. My mom and Julie have a lot of similarities, I think. (This is where people who study that incestuous hack Freud start with their oedipus complexes and blah, blah, blah...) They are both energetic, sweet, thoughtful and giving to a fault. I grew up watching what I felt like was people walking on my mom, and it killed me, i felt the need to protect her, and do about julie, too. so the question of the day becomes: if I learn anything from today's debacle, do I extend an olive branch to my aunt? And if I don't, what does that say about me?

Selfish? Me? Maybe just a little...

I just have to say, If you've gotten here from a place where I'm linked, and you feel the need to flame me, for fucks sake have the courage to log in first. I'd love to have a nice fireside chat with you and discuss our different opinions, but I can't do that unless you become un-anonymous. Is that a word? If not, I submit that it become one.

Introspection can be a dangerous thing

Things, as they have a way of doing, got worse before they got better. Julie went to the gym while I worried about what to do with this blog. I got to the gym as she was leaving, and I could tell she was NOT happy. My workout was garbage because I couldn't concentrate, I just kept think how unfortunate this situation has become. Unfortunate that Amy couldn't have been happier for Julie, unfortunate that I hurt Amy's feelings, unfortunate that what should be the best week of our lives has ended in such a manner, unfortunate that the ramifications of today will resonate for a looong time to come, I'm sure. That last "unfortunate" is what English professors like to call, "foreshadowing." *sigh*

When I got home from the gym, I could hear Julie in the shower, crying. I immediately thought she was mad at me because, well, what else would she be crying about? I went in to apologize and see if I could hug her and she shouted at me to "shut the fucking door" so she could finish her shower! Right away I could tell that a hug wasn't going to quite do it; I'm a bright one. Turns out, Julie's Aunt called and told Julie that she shouldn't go out with the family tonight because feelings were hurt. This, to me, is unconscionable. Tell the pregnant girl she can't have dinner with her family because someone who won't even be there has hurt feelings. Great. I just don't understand people sometimes. Call up and say, "Maybe Tim shouldn't come tonight, " that would be fine by me. Look, If you're gonna be brave enough to voice your convictions, you have to be brave enough to listen when other people voice theirs. Free speech ain't free, right? To tell Julie not to go to dinner was, in my opinion, very wrong.

When I was a boy I was raised in a very weirdly religious household. Pentecostal if you're scoring at home. I remember feeling that I was so weird, and out of place, and different from everyone else. I was a nerd, I had a bad flat top fade, I had 2 pair of jeans, hand me down t-shirts, braces and coke bottle glasses! I used to pray to God, "Please, just let me find someone who will love me for me!" I don't really believe in God anymore, but I do know that I have found the woman I've been hoping for. This week has been such a trying time for us, and today is especially hard. Julie and I went to the doctors today and, It's official! She's pregnant. I know it's a little anticlimactic because we knew she was pregnant, but I even though I can't explain why, before the doctor tells you you're pregnant, there is a little nagging voice in the recesses of your mind telling you that maybe she's not; just maybe she's not.

Afterwards we went to eat at this great little deli in Redondo Beach and talked about what has happened this morning. I told her that while I regret hurting her sisters feelings, I'm not sorry for writing what I wrote. My feelings are valid, dammit! And for the record, I never linked to her blog like she has mine. I never posted, I have never told anyone the location of this blog; I truly thought no one would ever read it! This shit was just supposed to be an outlet, that's all. Naive, perhaps, but I'm new to this blogging shit. Anyway, she told me that she believes in me. Is there anything better, really, that a woman can say to you? She told me that she knows I didn't say anything out of spite, or with malicious intent, and that she believes in me and who I am inside. Man, if I wasn't such a big tough guy, I would have started to cry in the deli! My eyes did water a little, but it's a deli, for Christ sake! They were probably cutting onions or something. She said that Amy absolutely has a right to post her feelings in her blog, which I agree - but I have the same right.

Like I've stated over and over, this thing wasn't intended to be read by anyone, I just wanted to embark a little introspective exercise and you know what? It has worked. I have re-read this weeks posts, and I can see a clear difference in the tone. I can also see some things that I feel like I need to work on before my baby is born. I need to work on letting things roll off my back. I'm very protective and that can easily cross the line to aggressive. I'm a bit short on patience. I'm really, really stubborn. I can be a bit combative. I get worked up too easily, and wind down too slowly. I can let someone's behavior effect me far too deeply, for far too long. I have my baby, and I have a partner who believes in me and is truly the best friend I've ever had. Who cares about almost anything else?

About taking the blog down: I won't do it. Not only do I feel like this journal has helped me in a way, it's also an exercise for me. Many key people along my life have suggested I write a book. Julie, for the last 3 years has damn near insisted on it! I've always told her that I cannot write a book, because I'm too guarded, and I can't be honest enough about my life and my feelings, and there is nothing worse than a dishonest book. Well, this journal is me. This is what I am, this is what I feel. I may feel different later, but right now, this is as open a soul as you're going to get and even though it's a bit embarrassing to think that(based on the fact that I have comments) people are reading my thoughts, It's liberating in a way, too. It's hard to explain, but if you live your whole life keeping people out, then in a way, you've lived your whole life being someone you're not. What a sad thing to do, really. So I'll continue to write this thing, and I can sincerely say that I hope no one else is ever hurt by me or my thoughts, words or actions. A pipe dream, of course, but I never want to be the cause of someone else's pain. I love Amy ands Tim very much, they've always been great to me, and I truly, truly know they are good people. Feelings will be hurt from time to time, but that's what happens in families. Like it or not, I am definitely a full fledged part of the family. For the record, some days I like it, some days I don't. Can't you say the same about your family?

On to the good news! Julie is, she thinks, between 3 and 5 weeks pregnant. She's not showing AT ALL. When we left the Dr.'s office, we drove by a consignment maternity store. Man, that place had everything: baby clothes, maternity clothes, cribs, shoes, bassinets, little rocking things with hanging stuff and best of all, rocking horses! Julie wouldn't let me buy one, the evil woman! She said It'll be over two yard before our kid could enjoy it. The thing had a button on its ear that when you press made galloping and whinny noises! How goddamned cool is that! Julie started looking around and we found about nine shirts, a couple skirts, and a pair of pants! Talk about going overboard, I mean we have no idea how big she's going to get! We were just arbitrarily picking the things we thought were cute with complete disregard to the actual size. I'm telling you, it was one of the most fun and intimate moments I've ever had in my life. When it came time to check out, I bought it all even though Julie protested. There is no way on earth I would have let her take that away from me! I just had the privilege of buying a bunch of clothes for the woman who is carrying my baby, what an honor! She thanked me, of course, which was completely unnecessary; I'm the one that needs to thank her!

Thank you, Julie, for being the woman who has made my dream of being a father come true.

The plot thickens...

So it turns out that blogs are easily found. I have NO idea how, but someone found this stupid little blog and went off tattling to Amy, Julie's sister. She has a post in which she says I bitch and moan about her and her family, which is not the point of this at all. My whole reason for starting this stupid thing is to dump out some of the emotions and thoughts that I have had over the last week and am sure to have over the next months. Some of the ways I feel are irrational and some are not. I'm truly sorry if anyone's feelings are hurt by this blog or posting or whatever.

I have to admit, I feel horrible. I really like Amy, and I really like her husband, I think they are truly good people. I'm sure that this incident is going to cause all sorts of issues and hurt feelings, and that was never the point. I just hope that they realize that MY ranting isn't because I'm not sympathetic to the troubles that they're having, it's just that MY feelings are hurt by some of the actions and behaviors of some. I doubt it, though

Now, of course, I feel all god damned guilty for hurting Amy's feelings. I'm such a chick, I swear. You know those snickers commercials? "wanna get away?" That's how I feel. I'm sure this thing is gonna blow up, and that is the farthest thing from what I want, that's TOOOOO much drama! Like I've already said, this thing was supposed to be a place for me to dump out my emotions without reproach. How was I supposed to know they're so easily found? Why would anyone want to read about my sordid little life anyway? I guess railing against the blog phenomenon does me no good, but dammit. Now comes the question: should I call her? I think that would be a bad idea at the moment, but how about in the future? Give her a couple days to calm down, try to explain things to her. Wait for her to call me? Unlikely. She's probably not gonna ask for my autograph anytime soon. Perhaps I should put something here and hope that she or one of her followers reads it. That, I think would be dishonest, and that makes me feel worse. Julie's not exactly pleased at the moment, either. It's times like these when I realize that I might actually have a decent shot at a reality TV show! I'm such a mess.

So I thought about taking this down. I even changed the name and then changed it back. Like I said, this thing is about me! I think it's been a good way for me to dump some stuff out and see how they look. Going back and reading some of the things has shown me some things about myself, and I think that's a good thing, so I won't take it down. I wonder, however, if there is a way to make it where no one can read it. I doubt it, but we'll see. I could always do this in a notebook, but I'd just lose the notebook, I have a horrible short term memory. The only answer I can come up with is to cut and paste all my entries into a word document until I can find a (free) blog or online journal of some sort to put this back online for safekeeping. Safe. haha...

What a week.

"Those among you without sin..."

So here we are at Amy's house. Last night brought more drama, of course. Amy was upset, I guess, and when we got here, Amy barely said a word to us, then disappeared. I was annoyed, and her mom and aunt and Julie start making all sorts of excuses for what I felt was Amy's bad behavior. That annoyed me more, because I felt Julie should have at least pretended to stand behind me. When we went to bed, we started to argue, and Julie said some things that really made me think, and also value her even more than I already do. She told me that she wasn't worried about Amy's behavior, because it didn't matter. She said we have SO many good things in our lives that she couldn't understand why I was latching on to one thing and letting it upset me. She also said that she is a bit worried about her sister, and she would rather do everything she can to make sure her sister is comfortable and happy, than to worry about herself. Wow, what a selfless, wonderful woman. So I started to think; at what point am I as self-absorbed and out of touch as what I've been railing about? When am I just as bad, and just as crazy? I don't know that I've reached that point yet, or that I'm even close - but I've started down that path, for sure. Not only is that scary, but it's dangerously close to hypocritical! For the rest of the holiday, I endeavor to be as mellow and "zen" as my pseudo-Buddhist girlfriend.

Holiday Tidings

It's funny, I've never had two better things happen to me - much less in such a short time frame - as I have in the last 3 days. Why, then, do I feel so weird? Not bad, really, just weird. Julie says it's like living in the future, and she's exactly right. Today really means nothing to me, everything is in a haze. I haven't really spoken to any of my friends, I haven't really done any of the things that I normally do, I skipped a Nine Inch Nails concert (opened by Queens of the Stone Age), I can't think of anything except my baby and my potential company. Even writing that sentence feels like the punchline to a sarcastic comment. It has a website, by the way, my company. haha, see? It just sounds funny - my company! Absurd. I wonder how much one is supposed to indulge their inner Hemingway with posts on their blog? Is it supposed to just be once a day? Who cares, bloggers are narcissistic louts anyway.

We have to go down to Amy's house tonight for Thanksgiving and, frankly, I don't want to go. I've read her blog, and I know how she feels about me, my girlfriend and my baby, and I don't want to deal with the ersatz congratulations and hugs and bullshit that is going to come my way. I know I should give her some credit for trying, but fuck that. Listen, if you're gonna wallow in your own self pity, then don't pretend like you're happy for me, because you're not! More than anything I hate hypocrisy, and the next two days are going to be an exercise in just how far one can allow hypocrisy to corrode one's personal values. If I indulge her hypocrisy, doesn't that make me a hypocrite? And since I know this going in, it would most definitely be a self-loathing hypocrite. On the flip side, isn't a little value corroding and self-loathing worth it to keep your sometimes-hyper-a-bit-high-strung-slightly-pregnant-girlfriend calm and happy? I submit that it is, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable, or me any less self-loathing. Fuck me I hate lying. Maybe I'll just go the silent route. I'll still have to hug and pretend and make nice, though. Bah.

By the way, I went back to Amy's blog, and some fucking enabling sycophant wrote, "I'm thinking about you and A and your sister with the not-so-hot boyfriend." Not so hot? What the hell did I do? And the "A" referenced above is Julie's best friend who found out Julie was pregnant through Amy's rant. Some other bullshit fan of Amy's posted that it was wrong of Julie to not tell "A" and that it sucked she had to find out that way. First off, at that point, only family knew. It's not our goddamn duty to inform anyone just because they have had problems conceiving! These people are such selfish assholes, everything is about them. They have their own little blog community where they all circle the wagons and have an unbelievable "us against the world" mentality. They cry about how unfair it is that other people are procreating; they even suggest that it others shouldn't be happy around them if they are expecting! Amy even posted a list of "How To Break The News To Me If You're Pregnant!" can you believe it? She has god damn rules about how to tell her! Unbelievable. Here is the bottom line: I'm truly sympathetic about her fertility issues, but that shit has NOTHING to do with me, Julie, or our baby. Can I ever believe that she's truly happy for us? Uhhh, no...

Whatever, I'm getting annoyed and bored.

The Neurological Divide

I have Tourette's Syndrome. This hasn't really been a source of concern for me since I've had it my whole life. The issue is that while researchers don't know much about the disorder, they do know it is hereditary. This worries me quite a bit. The chances of me passing a neurological disorder to my child is greater than 50% in a little girl, and even higher if it's a boy. Along with Tourette's, I also have ADD and OCD. It's an alphabet soup of fucked-up brain chemistry! All neurological disorders are closely linked, so my child might have a disorder, but possibly not one of my disorders. It scares me, and worries me quite a bit. Is it selfish to have a child when you know you may pass along this type of trait? The question is obviously a reflective one; what's done is done. Was it my responsibility, however, to perhaps never have a child? Maybe just adopt, to avoid passing along my damaged DNA?

I think I'm a pretty decent cat and I don't think that my disorders define me as a person, but I do understand the difficulties that such disorders present. I'm fascinated with the science behind TS, especially since so little is known. I've been on several websites and message boards and email lists for TS, and some people can not deal with TS; some are even ashamed. It breaks my heart, you know? It's so sad that there are people that cannot accept themselves because of societal pressures, but I understand. I'm pretty well adjusted but I know how hard it is for me in a lot of situations; it's uncomfortable! Some people do not have the personality or desire to force themselves to be treated normally, and that makes me really sad. Not in a pitying way, but in a solidarity, I-wish-I-could-do-something-to-help sort ofway. I'm afraid my child, even with me trying to pass along my philosophies, may not be able to accept himself, and it would be my fault. I'm sorry, kid. I hope that someday if you see this, you love yourself as much as I do.

Early Morning Ramblings

Why do I give these posts titles? I think I'm coming dangerously close to becoming a true part of the "blog-o-sphere." I swear I read that term somewhere. If not, then I claim it! I told Julie this morning that I'm really enjoying having this thing, just as a way to release some of this. Maybe I'll start another blog where I can keep all my poems and songs and other such trite bullshit...

I was getting ready this morning, and Julie and I were conversing, and she said something to which I replied, "yeah, but you're pregnant." All at once, the gravity of it hit me and then I remembered Dan giving me a company (still sounds absurd), and I had to lie down a second; it was all just too much. That is one thing I hope to always remember, how often I get these jagged, sudden thoughts like lightning bolts through my consciousness. One moment I'm struggling with the wording of a document I'm trying to write, the next moment I just realize I'm going to be a father!

Julie went to Malibu and Venice Beach with her Mom and Aunt yesterday (is "Aunt" a proper noun? I think it is) and came home with some baby gifts: a Shabby Chic beanie and a pair of adorable old skool Vans (the red ones). After Jenny's gift of a onesie, this brings our baby's wardrobe to three pieces - one for every day we've known about him/her! This child, rest assured, will not want for "stuff." My mother is going to be ridiculous in her gift giving, and Julie's large family is equally as generous.

I caught myself while driving to work trying to be more careful. I know it's ludicrous, but it's true. I was conscience about switching lanes, or driving too fast. People say having a child changes everything about you, and it seems like it's true. I even got cut off by this jackass in an old rusty bug, and I didn't even mean mug him! I honestly thought, "It ain't worth it, people are crazy." Who am I?! Where the hell did that come from? I know my boobs aren't going to get bigger, and I'm not gonna cry a lot over nothing, and I might not crave blueberries with mashed potatoes and sticks of non-sweetened butter but dammit, I'm going through changes, too!

Aftermath

Things are better. Julie and I got off the phone and took some time apart, then she called me and we worked some things out. She said I misunderstood her about the moving away thing. I believe her because everything she has said thus far in our relationship is FAR out of line with what I thought she said. When she's not crying and I'm not irritated that she's crying, we communicate very well. She impresses me all the time at how calm, rational and intelligent she (normally) is.

This has been such a roller coaster! One minute the world is falling apart, the next minute I just can't believe how lucky I am to be with someone as understanding and wonderful. Telling her she's pregnant and moving to Indiana in a three day span clearly tests the limits of her calm, rational demeanor. I told my friend Lynette that Julie was pregnant, then I told her about the offer to take over a business. She was speechless, and then said it felt like I was like hitting her with a left hook, then a right uppercut. If she feels that way, I can only imagine how Julie feels; not that my feelings are too far off. To be forthright, I think Julie's biggest concern is leaving her family. While I moved out of my moms house at 17, Julie has never lived more than 30 minutes from her parents. This is not to say that she isn't independant, 'cause Lord knows if she wasn't, she wouldn't have gotten this far with me! i would imagine, however, that if you've always been able to pop over and see mom, or grab lunch or, like today, zip off to malibu; the thought of not being able to do that any more would be very daunting. By the way, if we move to Indiana, I'm very much going to miss saying things like, "zip off to malibu."

I just keep thinking about growing up, and all the places I've been, and all the things my mother and I went through, and it's very surreal that she's now in a place where she can give me a company. Give me a company. Just the sound of that is ruthlessly absurd - give me a company. That's shit that Donald Trump does, not my family! I've done exactly nothing today at work, by the way. I've tried to read about cord blood, but after an hour and eighteen websites all I know is that they collect blood from the umbilical cord. That's approximately exactly what I knew one hour and eighteen websites ago!

When I was talking to my friend Lynette, we were talking about the circumstances that led to me moving back to California from Denver, which were not pleasant. I said to Lynette, without really thinking, "big deal though. If that wouldn't have happened, Julie wouldn't be pregnant, so it all worked out for the best." I shocked myself a little bit because as excited as I am, this pregnancy was still unplanned. Not exactly a mistake, mind you. I think Julie and I both could have been a little more careful in our prevention methods. (namely, we could have had prevention methods...)

My mind is swimming. I'm actually glad I am doing this blog, just so I can spit some of it out. The hardest thing is staying on track, since there are SO many things happening, SO many things to think about. I really want to do this, though, with the business. "Opportunity of a Lifetime" is a phrase that is tossed around quite a bit, but really, does anything fit that phrase more than someone giving you a company? Really? Oh, and P.S. a house to live in? Don't get me wrong. If it wasn't for this opportunity, Timmy doesn't live in Indiana. Point blank, roll credits, let the fat lady do her thing. I LOVE Southern California. To me, this place is PARADISE! My mom calls me and asks me what the weather's like. I laugh and say, "78-85 and sunny, just like every other day!" Can you imagine? I grew up in St. Louis, the town where the phrase "fucked up weather" was coined. Weathermen in St. Louis get on T.V and say, "I don't know. Back to you, Bob." Los Angeles has everything: Good looking people, hot clubs, great beaches, wonderful restaurants, interesting culture and, first and foremost, diversity. One of the things that Julie and I are both worried about is the lack of culture and diversity in Indiana. In Los Angeles I can take you to an Ethiopian restaurant, then drive 4 blocks and get dessert in a Russian cafe, then we can head up sunset to a Korean furniture store, then we can go to my favorite place on Melrose that is run by Armenians! Wonderful! I'll miss SoCal. I'll miss our incredibly cool area of Long Beach. I do not actively want to leave, but my life is no longer about what's cool, it's about what is practical and best for my future.

Slaving away for 60k before taxes; it doesn't seem like that's quite it.

"Right between the eyes"

So my mom's boyfriend just called me and said that for a baby shower gift, he and my mother would like to give me an ad agency. That sounds so weird to read, but it's true. I'm not talking about some New York ad behemoth, of course, but I am talking about an established agency in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, and therein lies the problem. You see, we live in Long Beach, California. We have a condo that is 5 blocks from downtown Long Beach with shops, concert venues, restaraunts and a gym all within walking distance; not to mention the ocean which is 2 blocks west. We've spent the last three years together living in one of the beach communities of Los Angeles, and we both love it. I couldn't believe my ears when Dan told me. I mean, it's my dream to be a business owner, I truly feel that it is the only way to get ahead in this society. I didn't have any words, I had to talk to my mom, I tried telling them I couldn't accept it...so he decided to "throw in" a house. crazy! I told them that of course i would have to discuss it with Julie, and I'd call them back.

My mind is swimming, I don't know what to do! I don't want to leave Long Beach, and I don't want to live in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, but how often does someone give you a fully functional business? I called Julie, still feeling overwhelmed, and a little spacey and, well, things didn't go well. When I told her about the offer she was stunned, and when I told her about moving, she started to cry. That was not what I expected. Full disclosure: I don't deal well with crying women. Never have, I imagine I never will. I suppose I don't deal well with crying men, either, but that's not really relevant right now. I was really incredulous as to why she was crying; i just didn't get it! This, of course, made her cry more. I started to get a little defensive and, to be fair, I didn't handle the situation well at all. Perhaps a little more finesse could have staved off what happened next: a full fledged breakdown. She was sobbing and trying to talk, I couldn't understand her, she got irritated because i couldn't understand her which made her cry harder which made it even harder to understand her, it was vicious. Then she wants to know if the business will be 50/50 in her name. Logically, i guess that's a legitimate question but here we are, 2 days after finding out she's pregnant, and she's questioning my commitment to her. She said, "well, I know the baby would be taken care of, but if I can't afford to live in Indiana, I'd have to move." At this point, things got personal. She knows that my greatest fear is having a woman take my child away from me, and that is why she said it.

Let's be honest: if you can't afford to live in Indiana, you can't afford to live in Southern California. I have a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house in Denver, CO. that cost $210,000. The 2 bed 2 bath condo we live in goes for around $400,000, and it's a glorified apartment! i don't know what to think at this point. I am now having a baby with a woman that, despite all of her previous protests to the contrary, is capable of taking my baby from me. In the last three days I've found out that I'm going to be a father, and had someone offer to give me a house and a business, yet at this moment, i feel no joy.

And I realize...I love her.

I was talking to my mom on the way home from work tonight and I had a couple thought that I'd like to record for posterity:

1.) My mother is undoubtedly the greatest woman in the world. No, it's true, it really is. I'm sure your mom is a tip-top old bird, but my mother truly is the apex of humanity. The relationship we have is a very special thing, and I am SO incredibly grateful to her for it. She knows me, she accepts me, and I love her with all my heart. I called her and told her about my nutty pseudo-sister-in-law (as has been chronicled here ad naseum, Julie and I aren't married- does that make her my sister-in-sin?), and she is just a very calming influence, and she exudes love. Man I'm lucky!

2.) Julie excites me. I don't mean in a dirty way, I mean in a way I cannot explain. Well, the dirty way, too, but I digress. It's not your garden variety excitement, it's new and different. It's like she's a different person, but not. (how's that for excellent writing?) She's intriguing, she's electric, she's...Wonderful. I realized today that I love her so much more than I had realized before, and I realized just how lucky I am that she is in my life. She's just a tremendous person with an enormous heart, and I am honored - and fortunate - that she will be the mother of my child. Truly, the baby is lucky, too.

3.) I don't believe that the roller coaster of emotions I'm feeling have truly been allowed to come forth because I've been so goddamned preoccupied with Julie's families responses. I think it's time that I note that fucked up things happened, and then let them go. Julie and are aligned in our lives and our thoughts, and nothing else matters. That being said, I'll never forget the depths of selfishness that her 2 siblings exhibited. Ok, NOW I'll let it go...

Reality Disconnect

This Blog was taken down because I quoted liberally from someone elses blog, which to me teeters close to the "out-of-line" line. Blogs can be whatever you want or need them to be, I guess, and one shouldn't have to worry about someone else tsaking their thoughs and critiquing them.

P.S. I know nothing about blogging or blogs or what people can or cant, should or shouldn't do. I just feel liek this was the best thing for me right now.

Allow me to Introduce myself...

My name is Timothy and today, Sunday, November 20th, 2005, my girlfriend Julie and I discovered we are going to have a baby.

She woke me up at 5:45 AM, crying, after I had been out the night before; an interesting evening filled with booze, creamy mushroom sauce and gay flirting (nevermind) to tell me that she just KNEW she was pregnant. I have to admit: I wasn't very convinced or worried at this point. You see, this was the approximately 36th time she had said, "I'm sure I'm pregnant." For clarity sake, she had been wrong EVERY time. I tried to console her, assure her that she wasn't pregnant, she was maybe just a little run-down. We couldn't go back to sleep so around 8 AM we went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles for breakfast. It was delightful, by the way. After breakfast we went to Savon for the pregnancy test. You know, the $20 settle-down-it's-psychosomatic, girlfriend soothing device.

Turns out, I was wrong.

Something tells me I'm going to have some unique thoughts and experiences over the next nine months and I'm really very forgetful, so I thought perhaps a blog would be a good idea. For the record, I really think blogging is incredibly self-absorbed. I console myself by thinking no one will ever read this, so perhaps I'm not quite as incredibly self-absorbed as other bloggers. That statement is scary because I've sort of characterized myself as a "blogger." *sigh*

Anyway, here it is now, 6:oo PM, and I have had a hell of a day. Once we came to grips with the fact that she was pregnant (after taking a second test) I immediately called my Mama. After that, Julie called her younger sister, and after that call is when things got interesting. Julie came from a very Catholic family and although she is no longer like that, her mother and brother still are. Julie's younger sister got pregnant almost exactly 2 years ago and when she told her mom, well, in an attempt to keep the skeletons firmly ensconced, we'll just say that it wasn't a good scene. On top of that situation, Julie's older sister, who was trying (unsuccessfully) to have her own baby, COMPLETELY freaked out and, well, that was an even worse scene. So this morning, Julie was understandably terrified to tell her family. To recap, it wasn't an easy day, but things went a lot easier for us than they did for Julie's sister. That being said, I resent the fact that on what is supposed to be a very happy day for us, she had to spend most of it worried and uptight. Her mother was freaked out because we're not getting married. That is a BIG thing for her family, and I just don't see the point. It's a pointless religious ritual that I have no interest in, but we had to sit there and be lectured about "making decisions for three people now," and "think of the child!" Garbage. Listen, I may not have all the answers, but when the parents are happy, the kids are happy, lack of marriage certificate, notwithstanding. Anyway, her older sister kinda freaked because she has still been unsuccessful in her attempts to bear a child. The thing that bugs me is that after we told her mom, we had to sit there and devise a plan over the best way to tell her sister! My vote was to call her and say, "Hey guess what? I'm pregnant!" That, apparently, was a silly idea. Julie and her mother concluded that the best thing would be for Julie to call her sister and say, hey I'm pregnant but I need advice. I mean, Julie's sister has been trying to have a baby for 3 years now, so the woman is a fantastic source of info, but that's not what Julie was calling her for, she was calling to tell her she was pregnant. Maybe I'm being a touch bitchy about this whole thing. I just think this is our day, and we spent too much of it worried about others. Her brother, by the way, was the worst. When Julie told him, he was on his computer and said, "Yeah, I figured." He didn't turn around, didn't stand up, didn't congratulate her - nothing.

The thing that stands out to me the most about today is the weird, overwhelming feeling I have. I was talking to my friend Casey and while he was talking I kept spacing out and thinking, I'm going to have a child! I can't explain it, really. If you talk about your future children, it's a laugh, it's the future, it's not tangible. Now that someone is actually pregnant, things change. It's hard to get my head around the fact that I'm going to have a son or a daughter, me! It's absurd, really, and the absurdity of it all is the reality that my life is going to change forever.

You know what? I couldn't be happier about that.