Selfish? Me? Maybe just a little...
I just have to say, If you've gotten here from a place where I'm linked, and you feel the need to flame me, for fucks sake have the courage to log in first. I'd love to have a nice fireside chat with you and discuss our different opinions, but I can't do that unless you become un-anonymous. Is that a word? If not, I submit that it become one.
posted by Jaileer @ 5:26 PM
2 Comments:
hi tim, i came here by way of amy's link to your blog. i have actually never posted on her blog, but did want to let you know that i've been on both sides of this issue and i might have a tiny bit of insight to pass along.
i struggled with unexplained infertility/subfertility to have each of my two children. my first was hard because it was terribly frustrating and devastating month after month that my body couldn't do what most other women's bodies could do quite easily. my second was harder because it took twice as long and i already knew how utterly wonderful it was to have a child. there was none of that first time ambivalence.
while we were trying for our second my sister was also struggling with infertility. (hers was a male factor issue). my sister was incredibly sensitive and difficult at times. our entire family had to walk on eggshells around her. when my brother and sister-in-law got pregnant on their first try my sister freaked out and made them feel much the same way i imagine you have felt over this short time. everyone worried over how to tell her and had a little tete-a-tete beforehand. no matter how sensitive we all were it was still just very very hard for her. even though i was struggling right along with her she didn't consider my struggle to be as difficult as hers because i already had a child.
when i got pregnant the month before ivf got her pregnant with twins i fretted over how to tell her. the moment she became pregnant the whole world was focused on her and her pregnancy. i was largely ignored, which made me feel like my baby was being ignored (which is also how i imagine you must be feeling). i spent the better part of those nine months feeling very hurt and confused.
i said angry and screwed up things to myself and my husband and if i'd been blogging i surely would have blogged about them. but they were just my thoughts, my way of venting frustration and disappoinment. it really never changed the way i felt about my sister.
in the end, after the babies all came, none of it mattered--in fact, my sister and i are closer now than we've ever been. yes, it would have been wonderful to not have to deal with all of that, but i think something like this does behoove all of us to both acknowledge our own feelings and try to understand and accept the feelings of the other person involved.
what's happened is really probably pretty awful for both you and amy, but since the dialogue is already developing you'll both no doubt be fine in the end. in the interim it sounds like the way you are supporting julie and enjoying your pregnancy is exactly the right thing. julie's body is growing your baby and you deserve to celebrate and be celebrated.
amy is still struggling to become a mother and complete her family and she is equally entitled to feel the way she feels. you're right that your pregnancy has nothing to do with amy, but sometimes when a woman is trying so hard to become a mother everyone's pregnancies seem like personal assaults. i'm not an hysteric but it did sometimes feel like a vast conspiracy. and no matter how one tries to be rational the pain just overwhelms everything, even if the person who is pregnant is your own sister.
congratulations.
take care, and good luck navigating these difficult waters.
Lisa
Just a little word from us infertiles. If your sister held her sister's hand through the long, painful process of miscarriage, ivf and the like, she would know. If you had any idea how painful this was you would know. It's not about being "woe is me." It's like someone who is in a wheelchair after suffering a violent accident being told that they should jump for joy that their sister just ran a marathon.
The point of amys blog was for HER to vent her feelings. Her VALID feelings. You did not need to read it and take it all so personally.
Some of us needed amys blog to make it thru our own hard situations.
i realize and respect that this is the same thing you are doing in your blog. how the two paths crossed is truly incredible but maybe meant to be and there will be more time for communication and a closer relationship.
i wish you and your girlfriend all the luck. the 9 month process of pregnancy is a tough one. many people do not even tell the public they are pregnant until the 3rd month because these are the most sensitive times in a womans body so please have your girlfriend take it easy.
fatherhood is an incredible challenge, and it seems like your blog is helping you get ready for it, so for that i applaud you. i also hope you can imagine, just for a moment, what amy went through. if you lost your baby you would be devastated. this is what happened to her. can you wrap your head aroud that? she lost her baby. she had a miscarriage. think about that for a moment, really think about what that would have beenlike. on thanksgiving no less.
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