Introspection can be a dangerous thing

Things, as they have a way of doing, got worse before they got better. Julie went to the gym while I worried about what to do with this blog. I got to the gym as she was leaving, and I could tell she was NOT happy. My workout was garbage because I couldn't concentrate, I just kept think how unfortunate this situation has become. Unfortunate that Amy couldn't have been happier for Julie, unfortunate that I hurt Amy's feelings, unfortunate that what should be the best week of our lives has ended in such a manner, unfortunate that the ramifications of today will resonate for a looong time to come, I'm sure. That last "unfortunate" is what English professors like to call, "foreshadowing." *sigh*

When I got home from the gym, I could hear Julie in the shower, crying. I immediately thought she was mad at me because, well, what else would she be crying about? I went in to apologize and see if I could hug her and she shouted at me to "shut the fucking door" so she could finish her shower! Right away I could tell that a hug wasn't going to quite do it; I'm a bright one. Turns out, Julie's Aunt called and told Julie that she shouldn't go out with the family tonight because feelings were hurt. This, to me, is unconscionable. Tell the pregnant girl she can't have dinner with her family because someone who won't even be there has hurt feelings. Great. I just don't understand people sometimes. Call up and say, "Maybe Tim shouldn't come tonight, " that would be fine by me. Look, If you're gonna be brave enough to voice your convictions, you have to be brave enough to listen when other people voice theirs. Free speech ain't free, right? To tell Julie not to go to dinner was, in my opinion, very wrong.

When I was a boy I was raised in a very weirdly religious household. Pentecostal if you're scoring at home. I remember feeling that I was so weird, and out of place, and different from everyone else. I was a nerd, I had a bad flat top fade, I had 2 pair of jeans, hand me down t-shirts, braces and coke bottle glasses! I used to pray to God, "Please, just let me find someone who will love me for me!" I don't really believe in God anymore, but I do know that I have found the woman I've been hoping for. This week has been such a trying time for us, and today is especially hard. Julie and I went to the doctors today and, It's official! She's pregnant. I know it's a little anticlimactic because we knew she was pregnant, but I even though I can't explain why, before the doctor tells you you're pregnant, there is a little nagging voice in the recesses of your mind telling you that maybe she's not; just maybe she's not.

Afterwards we went to eat at this great little deli in Redondo Beach and talked about what has happened this morning. I told her that while I regret hurting her sisters feelings, I'm not sorry for writing what I wrote. My feelings are valid, dammit! And for the record, I never linked to her blog like she has mine. I never posted, I have never told anyone the location of this blog; I truly thought no one would ever read it! This shit was just supposed to be an outlet, that's all. Naive, perhaps, but I'm new to this blogging shit. Anyway, she told me that she believes in me. Is there anything better, really, that a woman can say to you? She told me that she knows I didn't say anything out of spite, or with malicious intent, and that she believes in me and who I am inside. Man, if I wasn't such a big tough guy, I would have started to cry in the deli! My eyes did water a little, but it's a deli, for Christ sake! They were probably cutting onions or something. She said that Amy absolutely has a right to post her feelings in her blog, which I agree - but I have the same right.

Like I've stated over and over, this thing wasn't intended to be read by anyone, I just wanted to embark a little introspective exercise and you know what? It has worked. I have re-read this weeks posts, and I can see a clear difference in the tone. I can also see some things that I feel like I need to work on before my baby is born. I need to work on letting things roll off my back. I'm very protective and that can easily cross the line to aggressive. I'm a bit short on patience. I'm really, really stubborn. I can be a bit combative. I get worked up too easily, and wind down too slowly. I can let someone's behavior effect me far too deeply, for far too long. I have my baby, and I have a partner who believes in me and is truly the best friend I've ever had. Who cares about almost anything else?

About taking the blog down: I won't do it. Not only do I feel like this journal has helped me in a way, it's also an exercise for me. Many key people along my life have suggested I write a book. Julie, for the last 3 years has damn near insisted on it! I've always told her that I cannot write a book, because I'm too guarded, and I can't be honest enough about my life and my feelings, and there is nothing worse than a dishonest book. Well, this journal is me. This is what I am, this is what I feel. I may feel different later, but right now, this is as open a soul as you're going to get and even though it's a bit embarrassing to think that(based on the fact that I have comments) people are reading my thoughts, It's liberating in a way, too. It's hard to explain, but if you live your whole life keeping people out, then in a way, you've lived your whole life being someone you're not. What a sad thing to do, really. So I'll continue to write this thing, and I can sincerely say that I hope no one else is ever hurt by me or my thoughts, words or actions. A pipe dream, of course, but I never want to be the cause of someone else's pain. I love Amy ands Tim very much, they've always been great to me, and I truly, truly know they are good people. Feelings will be hurt from time to time, but that's what happens in families. Like it or not, I am definitely a full fledged part of the family. For the record, some days I like it, some days I don't. Can't you say the same about your family?

On to the good news! Julie is, she thinks, between 3 and 5 weeks pregnant. She's not showing AT ALL. When we left the Dr.'s office, we drove by a consignment maternity store. Man, that place had everything: baby clothes, maternity clothes, cribs, shoes, bassinets, little rocking things with hanging stuff and best of all, rocking horses! Julie wouldn't let me buy one, the evil woman! She said It'll be over two yard before our kid could enjoy it. The thing had a button on its ear that when you press made galloping and whinny noises! How goddamned cool is that! Julie started looking around and we found about nine shirts, a couple skirts, and a pair of pants! Talk about going overboard, I mean we have no idea how big she's going to get! We were just arbitrarily picking the things we thought were cute with complete disregard to the actual size. I'm telling you, it was one of the most fun and intimate moments I've ever had in my life. When it came time to check out, I bought it all even though Julie protested. There is no way on earth I would have let her take that away from me! I just had the privilege of buying a bunch of clothes for the woman who is carrying my baby, what an honor! She thanked me, of course, which was completely unnecessary; I'm the one that needs to thank her!

Thank you, Julie, for being the woman who has made my dream of being a father come true.