questions
A line from a song I like goes, "I need a couple A's for Q's, I'm not an asshole I'm just a little confused."
I received a comment earlier this evening from someone who came here by way of Amy's blog. This person, Lisa, really made things make sense and put some things in perspective. She said a lot of things, but i think the bit that made it all stick was, "you're right that your pregnancy has nothing to do with amy, but sometimes when a woman is trying so hard to become a mother everyone's pregnancies seem like personal assaults. i'm not an hysteric but it did sometimes feel like a vast conspiracy. and no matter how one tries to be rational the pain just overwhelms everything." I truly feel that even though I have always felt symapathetic for Amy and Tim's plight, I now feel empathy for them. I think it is a key difference, and it turns on a lot of lights, and provides some insight on a lot of things. Thank you, Lisa.
The interesting thing about today's events is that it makes me think of my own family. Without going into boring-ass detail, I haven't spoken to my aunt or my cousins in about 3 years. I will, however, say that the reason is the same type of reason I've been so angry at certain factions in Julie's family - I'm VERY protective of people I love. In this case my Aunt hurt my mother, and I cut her out of my life. After I told her what a hypocrite she was, of course. My mom and Julie have a lot of similarities, I think. (This is where people who study that incestuous hack Freud start with their oedipus complexes and blah, blah, blah...) They are both energetic, sweet, thoughtful and giving to a fault. I grew up watching what I felt like was people walking on my mom, and it killed me, i felt the need to protect her, and do about julie, too. so the question of the day becomes: if I learn anything from today's debacle, do I extend an olive branch to my aunt? And if I don't, what does that say about me?
posted by Jaileer @ 9:43 PM
10 Comments:
Just wanted to say that I am sure your sister in law and you will have an even closer relationship now that all of this is out in the open. Also wanted to say which you may not know, being new at this, that of course your girlfriend is not showing yet, women do not start to show until the 3rd or 4th MONTH not week.
In addition, in the Jewish religion, we don't tell people we are pregnant until 3 MONTHS have passed. We also do not buy anything for the baby until3 Months have passed. The first 3 months of a womans pregnancy are very dicey. I am not saying this to scare you, just to say... take a deep breath, relax. This process takes Months. In your sister in laws case she was unable to make it to those "safe" months. So have a little compassion for how terrible that must have been for her. You are already buying clothing for this 5 week old embryo, you are already in love with it and are already calling yourself a father. Imagine what amy went thru.
I want to say I like your blog a lot, and I wish you both the best.
I also want to say that imagine how ecstatic you feel being a father. (Father -to -be) Imagine the joy your sister in law felt. She too probably bought clothes and imagined how exciting it would be to be a mother. Then, she lost the baby. It's painful, it's greusome and it's emotionally scarring. If you and your girlfriend were with her through that time, then I tip my hat to you, if, however, you never offered yourselves as a shoulder to cry on, brought her warm meals so she wouldn't have to cook, then HOW can you expect HER to be there for you guys, when you were not there for her. Think about that.
Please keep blogging. I hope you and your SiL can work it out. Your kids will be cousins and that could be amazing for them as long as things are good between you. It's so worth the adjustment. I used to think the way you do, still do somedays, but I've learnt a lot recently about what infertility means for those going through it. Pretend for 24hrs, pretend it's you and listen to all the times in a day something reminds you of what you consider to be your "failure". Ouch.
You seem like a man who looks and learns and is open to finding new parts of himself. Do it. It'll be awesome. And oh..congratulations!
I agree that the feelings of a woman who is having trouble concieving aren't about the people around her. They're about her.
I lost my first pregnancy at 12 weeks -- 3 months -- right at the time that everyone says "Oh, now you can breathe easy and tell people." I had spent an entire summer going through all those "wow, I'm going to be a parent" feelings. I'd dreamed, I'd planned, I'd worked out how I'd deal with work, I'd imagined myself the following Christmas with my new baby and my own parents as doting grandparents. And then -- it was over. Three months of my life were for nothing.
My parents' best friends daughter -- a good friend of mine in her own right -- was pregnant at the same time, and due a month before. And when she delivered a gorgeous baby girl I had to hear my parents gush about the wonders of it all, I had to hear mom talk about the adorable baby clothes she bought as a gift. Pictures, details... every single bit reminding me of what I'd lost. I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been if it had been a sister rather than my oldest friend (we grew up together).
I CERTAINLY didn't begrudge my friend her baby. I really was happy for her, because I KNEW that her having a baby didn't make me any less (or more) likely to have a child myself. But it was *hard*. It's easy to say that it is not rational, that it's jealous or petty or whatever. But it is what it is. AND what it often is -- is a painful reminder of what you don't have, and you fear you may never have.
Hello Jaileer,
First of all I wanted to make a quick apology - I called you a "toad" on Amy's site yesterday, and that was over-the-top and very rude, so I am sorry for that. Your entries had struck a nerve with me (I've also been through the whole infertility mill/loss business and had relatives who "just couldn't see what the big deal was" or said "you're young, enjoy your time alone together" at the same time they were taking pride in their own children).
And it's true what "finally apparent" said - when I was in the thick of it, it wasn't that I was jealous of other people's babies, it was that each one was a reminder of what I'd lost.
I also have to say, infertility blogs helped me enormously during that time; they were someplace to go where everyone knew exactly how I was feeling, so I could talk to them instead of behaving monstrously to people who weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. Amy didn't start her blog until I was (very tentatively) embarked on my one successful pregnancy, but reading her thoughts was very stabilizing and comforting nonetheless - here was a ring of people who knew what it was really like. I do realize that to an outsider they can look cliqueish and "enabling" (you wouldn't believe some of the idiotic fights that have broken open in the infertile blogosphere on occasion!) but they did a lot to keep me going and sane during the worst of things, and I'm sure I'm not the only one that Amy's and other blogs helped.
Just a few points - and again, apologies for my comments, I spoke heatedly. Best of luck to you and Julie and to your little Julie/Jaileer - I hope your pregnancy is glorious and boring (in a good way, I mean). Take care -
Sonetka
sonetka@yahoo.com
you are quite welcome. when i first read both sides of things i just thought here are two obviously caring, loving people who just aren't making that connection. and empathy is exactly what it's about. exactly. frankly, tim, i think it would be wonderful if more men put as much thought and energy into their emotional lives as you do. from what i've read i do think you will make a terrific father *and* brother-in-law.
Hold Up....Wait A Minute.......
AND a little "noyoudinnit"
Did you really say "so the question of the day becomes: if I learn anything from today's debacle, do I extend an olive branch to my aunt? And if I don't, what does that say about me?"?
Did I read that right?
How about an olive branch to amy?! That is what you learned from your enlightenment? To apologize to an aunt you haven't spoken to in years? Does it always become all about you?
Honest to God.
man alive! people need to lighten up on this guy. i think he has extended olive branches to amy already. and it is his blog and it is actually all about him, so if he had some kind of other insight and felt like writing about it i think it's his prerogative.
Hi. I don't even know your name. Yes, I did achieve the ability to read your blog through Amy's blog. I have "known" Amy for almost 5 years.
First I suggest regarding your aunt that you read A Purpose Driven Life. You don't have to forget the pain but the Bible calls on you to forgive. Soon you'll be bringing your own child into this world and wouldn't you want your child to know how to forgive you when do things inappropriately rather than disown you? With bringing a child into the world I call upon to you do a few things? First of all, watch your language. Personally I could care less about your curse mouth however a child will pick up on the language immediately so unless you want your child's first word to be a dirty one, start practicing new words! Plus it will put your mind to good use thinking of what you can say in a nice way rather than worrying about what Julie's sister Amy thinks about you.
Secondly, I encourage you to continue to be supportive of Julie. Yay for going maternity clothes shopping with her and speaking so highly of her. The road you're traveling (pregnancy and parenthood especially in an unwed marriage) is going to have lots of turns and hills so this past week was nothing compared to the emotional roller coaster you're entering. Julie needs your support. Julie needs you to be kind and supportive of her sister regardless of what you may think or feel. You are a man, you will never understand how an infertile woman feels let alone at Thanksgiving time when the past 3 years have been particularly trying at this time of the year. You will also not understand what it's like to be the husband of an infertile woman because well...you're gf is PREGNANT!
I, for one, am not infertile and I am blessed with three amazing children though my husband and I have gone through the bouts of the inability to conceive or remain pregnant. It took a lot out on us so I can simply only imagine what Amy is feeling. Yes, Amy is happy for Julie. AMy is a sweet, amazing woman. But yes, she is worried about her sister...close sisters do worry about one another. Yes, Amy is probably hurting from this news but remember it doesn't help that even through the adoption process there have delays for Amy and Tim. Walk a minute in her shoes and maybe your empathy would be true.
Hi cristi, I'm Tim. Thanks for your suggestions, but I've already read "The Purpose Driven Life," my mom sent it to me quite awhile ago. See, the thing is, I don't believe in the bible, and I'm ambiguous on the existance of God - and I'm leaning towards total disbelief. Therefore, the whole thing is lost on me. some reads like religious brainwashing dogma, some reads like basic common sense.
As for cussing, well, I've been told to watch my mouth since I was around 11 years old. I cuss alot, and I like cussing. it gives certain sentences that little certai spice that i'm looking for at the time, you know? Besides, i think it'll be funny to hear my two-year-old say, "shit!" Good times.
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