Comment comments:
First, I'd like to clarify a post I made earlier because it seems many people are confused. I know that Julie won't start showing until the third or fourth month; that was my point! My point was that we went and spent all that money and bought all those clothes when we have NO idea how big she is going to be. We looked at the clothes today and it was quite funny because we seemed to have had a total disregard to size. We have small's, large's and I think even one extra large! I'm new to this, sure, but I'm 30, people, I'm not completely unaware. My fault, though. A good writer should make his points completely unambiguous. Unless, of course, he's trying to be ambiguous, which I wasn't. Does anyone get my humor but me? Because I think I'm really quite funny...
Yes, I did talk about my olive branch to my Aunt, and yes, it is all about me on my blog. If you don't like hearing about me, read someone else's narcissistic ramblings.
Julie and I may seem naive to many of those whom have had the misfortune of going through miscarriages - in some cases several miscarriages. We are a touch naive, sure, this is our first time! I would ask of you that you don't steal our innocence from us. Allow us to be happy and revel in our gift. We know that there are chances that something could go wrong, and of course we're concerned about it. Perhaps next time we will wait three months but this time our joy overwhelmed us, and once we told a few people, those people told people, then we had to tell a bunch of people so no one's feelings were hurt! I know that repeated misfortune can cause one to become jaded, but give us our ignorance. Ignorance is, after all, bliss.
There is only one thing that I feel the need to apologize to Amy about, and that is taking her words and pasting them into my blog. As a (wanna-be) writer, I feel horrible about that because in hindsight, I know better. I also feel bad that anyone's feelings were hurt, but I can't apologize for my feelings, so an apology would be dishonest, and it would be a disservice to someone that I respect a good deal. That apology will come, in person, at the right time. If there are those among you that can't deal with it, feel free to stop reading my blog.
I'd like to reiterate for (hopefully) the last time: I never intended for anyone to see this blog. I still have NO idea how the inner machinations of the blog world work; and I really don't care to, but I do realize now how easy it is to find one. I'd say that lesson was learned a bit late, so what am I to do about it? I've never given anyone this address, and won't. I'm ecstatic that some people enjoy my style of writing and what I have to say. After all, I have a blog, I'm a narcissist! That being said, however, I don't care if you come back or not. Feel free, I guess the cat's out of the bag, but if you don't that's great too. This is not a plea to stop leaving shitty remarks because, like I said, if you're leaving shitty comments and you're anonymous, you're a coward and I'm not at all concerned with your opinions. If you disagree with something I say, I'd be more than happy to listen to you, and discuss why I feel the way I do. Perhaps I'll learn something, you know? Thanks to Lisa, my first lessons have already been learned. Not bad for only one week. Man, what a week though, eh?
People always say, "Don't talk about religion or politics!" Well why the hell not? Why would I want to talk about shit that doesn't matter? I want to discuss things that people are passionate about! I want to talk about things that matter; I want to learn. Talking about sports or cars or even babies is fun and necessary, but there is a whole big world out there, and it begs to be explored. If I can't explore it myself, I expect you to help me! Julie likes to say that life is a river and everybody is their own stream or something like that. Essentially she just means that everyone has their own thoughts, opinions and lives, and those differences should be celebrated. Such a smart girl...
This is my first post geared exclusively towards the people I know are going to read this later, and hopefully my last. I have turned a corner, but I hope it's not too late to go back. I guess things grow and adapt, and if that is what this becomes, I should just go with it. Everything is organic, everything changes. I just hope that I'm able to continue writing honestly. Should be interesting.
The marriage thing. Listen, I don't have anything against people that get married, I just don't see the point in it. That doesn't mean I think people are wrong, it just means it's not for me; like religion. I think a big part of marriage is rooted in religion, which has it's roots in a lot of pagan rituals. That's cool and all, but thanks anyway. I don't feel the need to prove my love of Julie to outsiders and onlookers. As long as Julie and I know we are in love, then we are in love! I don't need an antiquated ritual to prove it to me. Divorce rates are 60% anyway, so where is the sanctity of marriage that people try to bring up? That's why I say gays should be allowed to marry and divorce just live the rest of our population! Who the hell cares?
For those of you who keep saying to look at things from Amy's perspective; I'm trying. I will hopefully never know how she feels, so I'll hopefully never fully understand. As someone who cares about Amy, I'm impressed that she has such a strong support group that has undeniably helped her through a very difficult period in her life. That being said, as much as I could be more understanding, many of you could be a lot less bitter. Perhaps we all could use some introspection. Would you like it if everyone had the issues you're having? Would it make you feel better if everyone had to suffer the misery and the pain that you've had to? Would you wish your plight on your sister, your cousins, your loved ones? Just because it hasn't happened to us doesn't mean we don't still love you, it just means we might not fully get it. We know you're unhappy, we just don't get how unhappy you are. You know what? I understand that feeling. Like I said before, I have Tourette's Syndrome. It causes me to twitch quite a bit, especially when I'm stressed or upset. (Oh hey, like this week!) I make noises, I crack my knuckles and make noises during funerals and weddings and any other time I'm supposed to be quiet. The worst part is the OCD and the ADD. My OCD has caused a lot of pain for me, Julie, and everyone else I've ever loved. Am I looking for sympathy? Nope. Am I trying to compare what I have to what you're going through? No. What I'm saying is, I understand the feeling of, "no one understands except people who have gone through what I've gone through." You cannot alienate everyone that isn't like you. Everyone is fucked up in their own way. Accept it.
Quick hits: Thanks again, Lisa and thank you, Sonetka for the apology, it is most certainly accepted; thanks to Watkins, the first person who found this little mess, and has said some very kind things; yes, Anonymous Person, I realize my "baby" is just an embryo, but you're a liar if you tell me you wouldn't be as excited as I am. More cautious, perhaps, but no less excited; calling me a "fertile" is funny, even though I know it shouldn't be.
Finally, to the person who sent my blog to Amy: What were you hoping to accomplish? Was it really because you were concerned for her, or are you simply one of those people who love a good drama? People's emotions were affected by your actions, peoples lives, even. This blogging shit may seem an anonymous and faceless escape, but actions and words have consequences. I hope, for your sake, that you had only the best intentions for Amy.
posted by Jaileer @ 1:15 PM
7 Comments:
I think some of the poeple sharing loss experiences, or talking about Amy's loss, were not trying to tell you not to be happy, or to scare you, but to make this point:
You've known that Julie is pregnant for a week now. You're already having life-changing thoughts. You're planning a future with this baby. You're buying it clothes, you're talking about a huge move, about a job change. About a complete change in your life and how you live it. You're getting excited about the idea of this.
You're getting attached to this baby.
I know, for my part, what I was trying to get across is that someone who wants that despately, who has been trying for that for years... who HAD that, for a brief time, and then lost it ... is going to have a hard time. She's going to be hurt. And yes, to use your words, there is bitterness.
Another commenter used the term "bittersweet" and it is very appropriate. Infertility and loss are like the bitter taste of ashes in your mouth, month after month after month. Having a loved one announce that they've acheived what you've been trying for so long makes the bitterness stand out in comparison, even as you experience the sweetness of someone you love having a new life on the way.
I"m back! You know what, your baby is much more than an embroyo to you right now and I get that. Congratulations on your baby. I pray that the pregnancy goes well for Julie and you and that you get to relish in exciting milestones such as hearing your child's heartbeat, feeling the flutter of movement, welcoming him/her to the world, etc. It's a treasure. A pure gift from God. Ha, you don't like religion however your sperm and Julie's egg might have created this bundle of joy but only higher power can put it all together at the right time and place.
Your gf's sister is NOT being unrighteous. Give her time. She will and does love her niece or nephew so stop making her out to be some sort of mean person because Amy is not. Yes, she's hurting. Nobody can walk in her shoes and understand the pain that she feels right now or see the excitement that she does have about her niece or nephew. Look at her with Ava. Does she not love her niece? She does and it shows. So be more forgiving and understanding. She doesn't walk in your shoes and you definitely in hers. Let her work through her pain. She is not telling you not to be excited.
as for the miscarriages. I hope you don't think that I was writing to be weary of them. No, absolutely not. Be innocent and enjoy this time and I do pray that nothing will happen as such...they are not wished upon anybody. Yes, a lot of us have had them and yes, they did take away our innocence in pregnancy. HOwever, any woman who has suffered a great loss as such would NEVEr want another woman to experience such a time. Enjoy this time, soak in it...because either way it flies by so much faster than one could EVER imagine. And when you welcome your child into the world next summer just take a second to hold that child and think about Amy's empty arms and maybe then you might just get a small glimpse of the pain she has had to endure. She doesn't wish that pain on anybody. She has always been so supportive of her friends getting pg around her when we know it's hurt. With me, she has always told me she doesn't know how I'm dealing with a lot of things going on but honestly I feel like my life is easy compared to hers.
Yes, we don't walk in each other's shoes and know each other's pain however all I can we can is listen with open and understanding ears and have a forgiving heart when things may occur or be said that may hurt our feelings. I'm not perfect, I piss people off but I geniunely let them know I'm sorry and life goes on.
As for maternity clothes, if you want to buy more for Julie...buy whatever size she's wearing now. For instance is she's wearing size small clothes then buy mostly small size maternity clothes and maybe a few mediums and etc. Size small is generally like size 4-6 in misses. Size medium is generally size 8-10. Large is generally 12-14 and etc. It might be good to get her some just plain elastic pants in bigger sizes in the misses/juniors department for when she does start to show. She will likely not be in maternity clothes full time until around 20 weeks or more...sometimes sooner sometimes longer.
Christi
I am the poster from Amy's blog with the infertile sister. I stand by what I said there, but I will not get into it here.
Regarding this new entry, I cannot believe you are seriously asking infertile people to be less bitter. Were you joking? It's like asking a blind person to pretend he can see just so you don't have to be a little uncomfortable when he smashes into a wall. Does that not strike you as astonishingly cruel and self-centered? It is not, contrary to what you say, impossible for us "fertiles" to understand the pain of infertility. All it takes is empathy, love, and compassion.
As for keeping your innocence, I respectfully disagree. Unless you are truly blind to Amy's pain, which you say you aren't, your innocence with regard to possible miscarriages should have disappeared long ago. It's unreasonable and, again, selfish to expect to be able to pretend that miscarriages don't happen when you have a SIL who has suffered from them.
I spent my entire pregnancy worried, because I had my sister's pain in front of me the whole time. Yes, I was sorry, sometimes even resentful, that I didn't get to have the carefree pregnancy some people have. My sister acknowledged that loss as well and was also sorry for me. However, on the whole I would have been far more sorry if that carefree pregnancy had come at the expense of my sister. We don't always get what we want.
We relatives of infertiles are not pregnant in a vacuum. We are pregnant in a family that had been wounded by infertility. It is asking very, very little to be sensitive to that pain.
Yes, I gave something up in not getting a carefree pregnancy. But you know, my sister gives a lot up for me as well. A few months ago, I was hospitalized briefly but unexpectedly (all is fine now). She dropped everything at the last minute to come care for me and my family, including an event that she had been looking forward to for months. What you give up comes back to you. That is part of having a strong, loving family.
As for marriage, I fully agree that the state should not be involved in something as personal as marriage, but, unfortunately, it is. By not marrying the mother of your child, you are risking serious legal ramifications at worst possible time: when one of you is incapacitated or in the ICU. ICUs can and do keep non-married partners out. The legal person who makes medical decisions for you in your incapacitated state will not be Julie because you are not married. In terms of inheritance, your child does not get substantial tax benefits. I am happily married, but we did it largely to protect our children's legal rights. In the absence of such legal concerns, I would not have married.
This is anonymous on purpose. I will not leave my login/email/web page to protect my sister's identity. She does not choose to be public about her infertility, and I choose to honor that.
Alright, I NEVER do this kind of shit (no, really, I don't), but I just had to say - this is your blog and you can say whatever the hell you want on it (just like Amy did before her posts about you and Julie somehow magically disappeared). There is nothing worse than hypocricy in my book (and for those of you out there that will say that saying un-kind words about someone else is worse, than I say "what's good for the goose should be good for the gander" or something like that). Amy had no problems doing so on her blog, shouldn't her sister and bf have every right to feel the same way and do as she does???
I am an "unfertile" myself (if I must label myself as others feel the need to) and have had 2 ectopic's and a hysterectomy so I guess I must be in the minority when I say, do what you want - it's your blog. People can read it or not. Just as they have that same choice to read Amy's.
I've said what I came to say and will now go back into lurkdom.
Barb (yes, that's my real name)
Obviously, you have your SIL to thank for your sudden popularity because in the real world, no one really gives a shit about new bloggers. It takes months to get an audience. I'm sure it will pass and you will be left to your privacy.
Personally, I would have a problem with your comments even if you had no infertile SIL.
You are behaving as if you already had the baby for fuck's sake. You are behaving as if you brought your bundle of joy to holiday dinner and you were snubbed by your snotty, selfish SIL. Instead, the reality is that you only saw two lines on a pregnancy test just as so many before you. People just don't behave that way, unless, of course, they are asses.
You are not a dad, Julie is not a mom. You are simply a sperm donor and Julie is simply pregnant with an embryo, just as your SIL has been. You both have many mountains to climb until you are parents.
You are pulling the cart before the horse.
Imagine getting bad news, less than what is it? one week getting a positive pregnancy test? Now, imagine being excited for several weeks, even months and having it all crash down.
Imagine getting bad news and trying to recover and pick up the pieces. Then, imagine your unwed sister announcing that she just got a positive pregnancy result! and why aren't you so excited! why would you be so self-absorbed!
Fuck you.
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Wow people are really mean. I think you may have hurt people's feelings with your blog, but you apologized and acted pretty maturely in the process. These commenters are totally out of control. You SHOULD be excited. This is an exciting time of your life! I wish you and your girlfriend all the best of luck.
(PS- I've spent a lot of time in Long Beach, love it, wouldn't be too excited to go to Indiana either.)
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