...and then there were three.

He has finally arrived; my son has finally arrived.

a decidedly shorter period between blogs

I was reading the last few blogs i wrote before i packed it in and you know what? it's fucking irritating i felt the need to stop. I read some of the things i wrote previously and they made me smile. the newness of it, the uncertainty, the fear of the doctor's visits! there is a seven month gap that i should have been recording for me, later, to revisit. that was taken from me.

oh well.

It's funny to read how uncomfortable I was at that first doctors visit; that shit is old hat now. I get so bored that at one point i started playing games on my phone. needless to say, Julie was *not* impressed. we have an appointment today, out 38 week appointment. I think he's going to do a pelvic exam, so we're keeping our fingers crossed. Julie is over being pregnant, for sure. She finally started to grow at around the 7th month and now she has, well, she has a 7 pound baby inside of her and it shows. The poor girl is uncomfortable, she can't sleep, it's a goddamned sweatbox in our apartment and she can't go 10 minutes without having to pee.

The last 7 months have been chock full of incidents and situation, not the least of which was julie's 8 weeks of bed rest due to pre-term labor. we had sex one morning and she started bleeding. she was spotting during the day, and into the next, so we went to the hospital as a precaution when she saw some spotting on the third day. They immediately hooked her to several machines and gave her a saline drip. turns out she was severely dehydrated and was having contractions two minutes apart. This was week 26, mind you. We spent a sleepless night in the hospital as a "precaution" for "observation." the next day we waited and waited for our doctor so we could find out what the hell was going on. Finally, around 6 PM he comes strolling in and we have the following conversation:

Doc: "sooo, i got all the tests back, you're look fine, everything is normal and the baby looks like he's right where we want him to be, so you're done with working."

Julie: *perplexed* "um, what?"
Me: "yeah, what? i mean, huh?" (I'm the verbal one, as you can plainly see.)

Doc: "you're done with work until baby comes" (not a typo - he's asian)

after exchanging confused glances,

Julie: "So does that mean i'm on bedrest?"
Me: " but...what? is she on bedrest? (julie was lucky to have me there at this point. i'm helpful.)

Doc: "yes, you're on full bedrest."

Julie: "*sigh* i was afraid of that."
Me: "wait...what? what just happened?"

Julie and i think that story is hysterical. The guy is so unflappable he is just talking normally and then BAM! out with the bedrest.

Like i said: it has been an interesting 7 months.

and God (me) said: "let there be blog..."

Howdy. cue the imaginary graphics, swell the imaginary music, I'm back to blog. and really, who the fuck cares?

There has been, inevitably, a ton of changes and issues since my last blog in december. Julie is now 9 months pregnant, her due date is only a couple short weeks away, i'm enormously fat (sympathy weight is a mother fucker), and i've learned that the internet really is quite a small place. I still think this is a place that i would like to get out *some* thoughts and feelings but unfortunately, my honesty regarding la familia must be reigned in. well, not mi familia, really, more like her familia, but i don't know how to say that in spanish. So no more drama (hopefully), so this will probably be a very, very boring read.

That being said, if i feel the need to vent, you better believe I'll vent. I'll just vent smart(er), and maybe move this blog...

Exercise, baby names and panic attacks

I spent the entire day today reading about pregnancy stuff. Well, except for an hour where I read about The Crusades. Anyway, yesterday I sent Julie a couple emails with a bunch of names I was thinking about for the baby. One email for girl names; one email for boy names. Today I went back through the list and narrowed it down. It may not sound like a lot, but that took me about 4 hours! Take a name, repeat it over and over, try different pronunciations, then try different spellings, then type in the email why you're keeping it or scratching it...You'll see! Keep in mind I had like 40 names to go through. I have the list narrowed down to about 8 boy names and 8 girl names, so that's cool. Julie might like one of the names I don't, then we're in a fine mess, indeed.

The second part of my day was spent trying to determine just how much exercise Julie can do while she's pregnant. I know it's cool for her to walk and do yoga and stuff, but she's really into weight training (I created a monster) and I want to make sure she's safe. Let me just say: The internet is B I G. Anything you type in returns 800,000 hits, and to wade through them all is tedious and boring as hell. I will say that the March of Dimes website was most helpful. They have lots of little sections where they tell you what to expect in every facet of pregnancy. I learned Julie may get hemorrhoids, which was nice...

I was walking through Albertsons a few minutes ago looking for some stuff and I passed the first aid section. Right there in front was a box of Band-aides that had a little boy holding his scuffed arm on it. At first, I was like, "haha, that's going to be me, soon!" Then I thought, "Holy shit, that's gonna be me - and soon!" It was very bizarre. I started thinking can't handle this! I mean, I'm not ready for this shit. I like clothes and booze WAY too much to have a kid. I mean, once we have a kid we have to spend all my money on band-aides just in case! Know what I did? That's right, I called my Mommy. She didn't answer, of course. Right in the middle of a crisis and the woman doesn't answer. *sigh*

I'm OK now, I just had to breathe a little bit. I'm still stoked, I'm still really happy about the baby, but I've just started to get my little tastes of fear. It's all gonna be OK though, right?

So I'm Lazy - Sue Me.

My attempt to re-hide my blog consisted of changing the address. Clever, eh? Yes, I know I could have gone to LiveJournal or some other place, Yes, this time I know that people can find me pretty easily. If someone wants to go through all the trouble of searching me out, well, welcome! Otherwise, it's just gonna be me and my thoughts and my life.

The last weekend really took some of my joy away. Not away from my actual joy at having the baby, of course, It just served to take away from my general feelings of happiness and contentment. It sucks that something that is so irrelevant can cause so much unhappiness, but it did. Hopefully the people who have been flaming me will lose interest if it's not so easy to get to me from a link on another blog. People LOVE their drama though, so we'll see.

On to some actual baby shit! Julie had her first baby doctor appointment yesterday, and I was there. I'm not sure, but I don't think I've ever been more uncomfortable in my life. First she has to get butt naked (which I'm all for) to put on the little paper gown. Then the doc comes in and chats it up for awhile. He finishes with the niceties and calls the nurse, and that's when the fun begins. The nurse breaks out a speculum (don't ask me how I know what it is,just go with me) and these reeaaaaaaal long sticks with cotton on the end of them. Dr. Wu is our doc, by the way, and he steps on this machine that makes the stirrups come out from under the table Julie is sitting on. It's at this time I start to sweat. I'm not sure if I should be in the room or not, you know? It just felt a little inappropriate. So he starts his exam by checking her breasts. Now, talk about weird. Some random dude is touching my girls boobs! I had to look away because I didn't want to stare! It was weird and I didn't want the nurse to think I was getting off on it or anything.

Now comes the fun part. She has her legs in the stirrups - butt-ass naked, remember - and he gets this incredibly bright lamp, and he and the lamp park themselves comfortably between my girlfriends thighs. Whoa! It was during this moment I realized I was very, very tense. Again, this is weird. I'm freaking out because I don't know what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to look! Do I say something? Is this the time to ask questions? If I distract him will he get startled and mess up? Just what is he doing down there? Can I look? During this whole time, he's chatting about Julie's sister and her baby, cracking lame doctor jokes and telling little stories! At this point I start to think I'm feeling a little dizzy, but there is nowhere to lie down. Then *BAM*! With a practiced snap of his glove into the biohazard bin, it's over. He tells me to stop hyperventilating (that's a joke), gives Julie a basket full of magazines and pre-natal vitamins and sends us down to get blood work. Julie has A- blood, so I have to be tested to see if I have positive blood. If I do, then Julie has to get a shot at 28 weeks (I think) and right after she has the baby. That will keep her body from identifying the baby as a virus and creating antibodies to attack it. Yeah, crazy. In four weeks we go back, and that is when we will get the first ultrasound. We're thinking about getting the 4D ultrasound, man is THAT shit cool!

When we got home last night we were lying in bed together with Monday Night Football playing as background noise. She was going through the basket of goodies she got from the doctor, and I was on the laptop looking at pregnancy fitness websites. It was a good feeling, a really good feeling. It's weird when people talk about my "family, " but that is truly what I have now; a family. Life is good, man, life is good.

I'm tired, and losing interest

This thing has become a monster. It seems Julie's whole family has now read this blog. The mere process of observation inevitably changes that which is being observed. What has this blog become? I'm not really sure, but it is certainly not what I had in mind. Now when I start writing, I have to think about what I'm going to say. I have to wonder what the backlash can or will be. I have to consider if I really want people close to me to know SO much about my inner thoughts, fears and realizations. The answer, of course, is no. I think it's ok to be honest with people and discuss emotions and feelings, but I certainly don't feel comfortable with Julie's entire family being able to read everything I think I feel.

I feel good when I look at some of the things I have written. I can see some growth, some realizations and that's why I started this. In the last couple days, though, I just see irritation. I see it in my posts and in my comment replies. I'm just tired of it all, it's become far too much drama. Julie is at a critical time in her pregnancy, and she's had nothing but negative stress for the last 3-4 days. Those feelings transfer to our baby, and that's a sad thing to me. Julie is my life, and I've been unable to protect or shelter her during these last few days and that - for lack of a better term - sucks. I started this hoping for a good thing and it has turned into a bad thing. In the immortal words of the genius, Trent Reznor,

"Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away."

A blog about MY feelings

Seriously, I felt the need to title it that way because, fuck me, It's been about these mother fucking "infertiles" for the last three days. The stress finally got to me about 2 hours ago. Julie was actually typing a reply to one of these ignorant bitches that keep flaming me, and I asked her what she was doing. She was frustrated and yelled, "Don't talk to me while I'm fucking typing!" Well I didn't take that very well, and I yelled at her. It broke down into a full blown argument and I said two very fucked up things, neither of which I mean, or that had ever crossed my mind until the exact moment I said them. The unfortunate thing about this situation is that it isn't the first time that I've been a spur-of-the-moment asshole. The really unfortunate thing is that it regrettably will not be the last. It's hard to be with me, it really is. I think I have a lot of good qualities but I also have some unique, um, challenges. The plain and simple fact of it is, we would probably argue more if it weren't for the fact that Julie is a tremendous person, and she let's a lot of my garbage just roll off her back. Sometimes though, I can be really hurtful. My gift with words can be used for evil as well as good! If I think about it, I guess that, in some recess of my mind, i did mean to bother her with the things I said, but I never meant for it to hurt the way it did. Just for the record, the things were legitimately hurtful, not she's-pregnant-and-over-reacting hurtful. As I was trying to apologize, she said, "what are you going to say to the baby if you get mad at it? Are you going to just yell and spout off hurtful shit and try to apologize later?" Well, shit. It pissed me off that she said that, but it is certainly cause for pause. It bothers me because it's a legitimate question, a little too close to home. It's very daunting when I think of all the things that I'd like to change and improve upon before my baby is born.

Julie has a friend named Ariane. There are times that I have questioned certain things about their relationship but as I stated earlier, times of "crisis" are when you learn the most about people. I think it's quite telling that Ariane has come to my defense in the last couple days. She really has no need to, except that she probably feels a bit protective of me, because I'm the boyfriend of her close friend. By coming to my defense, she is really trying to defend her friend, and that is a beautiful thing. Relationships change and grow, and sometimes they go through awkward and uncomfortable periods. True friendship; however, perseveres.

"One man with courage makes a majority."

Andrew Jackson said that. Arthur Schopenhauer said, " We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people." Ralph Waldo Emerson, a favorite writer of an ex-girlfriend, said, " Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying." Voltaire said, " those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. I say, "You learn everything you need to know about a person during times of crisis." It speaks volumes to me that Amy posted on my blog. It means to me that, though the words may have stung, the relationship is strong enough to survive. That means the world to me. You see, I grew up in St. Louis, where dating "outside your race" is still prohibited. Never in my life has anyone's family accepted me. Because I'm biracial, I've either been too white, or too black, or not enough Armenian, Korean, Brazilian, etc. That has never been an issue with Julie's family. They have never made me feel uncomfortable because of who I am, and I cannot express what a refreshing thing that is.

I'm trying to search my feelings to see how I feel about all these flames that are coming. I really don't care, but it is bothering me because it is bothering Julie. She feels like these people don't know us, but I say fuck 'em, they're just bitter, jealous and hateful. This whole drama has become way too, well, dramatic! There are some people who are so miserable in their tiny little lives that they can not STAND for other people to be happy. The bottom line is that Julie and I are happy, and we will continue to be. We are having a child, and that will be the focal point of our lives forever! It's not my fault that some of you can't have kids - take your anger out on nature, or God, or whatever it is you believe in. I don't know any of you, nor would I care to. Enjoy your misery, because it's yours alone.

I'm happy, and I'm going to have a baby. Get over it.

It's Official: I'm over it.

I'm not Buddha. As I've stated before, I'm not a very patient man, It's something I need to work on. These comments from self proclaimed "infertiles" are, well, pathetic. I was going to post a hearty "Fuck You" but Julie and I talked about it, and there are actually a couple interesting things I thought of. There are some of you that I shudder to think that you may someday have a child. Are you going to transfer all your hate and venom to your kids? Are you going to teach them to intrude on other people's lives? Will you teach them that procreation is a bad thing, and make them feel horrible when they get pregnant?

In reading some of the comments on the last two posts I made, It's clear that some people just don't get it. It's like, as Julie said, that these people have found a beacon of sorts in which to direct their anger. I'm young, I'm having a baby effortlessly, I have a great relationship with my partner, and I was recently given a business. This, apparently has caused stress for some of you people. You know what? I don't care.

There is one comment I'd like to address. Some anonymous coward asked (I'm paraphrasing) if I would expect a blind man to not be bitter just so I wouldn't feel bad when he ran into walls. First off, blind people seldom run into walls, they have those little sticks. Secondly, do not compare your plight with someone who is blind, concentrate on your own issues without minimizing other peoples burdens. Thirdly, yes, I would tell him to be less bitter. There is no reason to be hateful, regardless of your situation. There are people with TS that I say the same things to. This woe-is-me bullshit that is constant from some of these people is tiring and pathetic. Let it go for fuck sake.

So this is it I've been thoughtful, I've tried to see things the way you people see them and you keep attacking me. That's fine because most of you are cowards who either don't leave names and links for me to reply to you, or you make up names in attempts to use my words against me, like "your aunt." You wanted to get to me? You got to me. In the interest of keeping this blog honest and exposing my naked self; you got to me. I'm annoyed, I'm aggravated and I'm frustrated that you people just don't seem to get it. And wrong as this may be, It makes me far less sympathetic. I don't care who you are or what you've been through, if you're an asshole, you're an asshole. Now it's over. This blog is supposed to be about my feelings of transitioning into parenthood, and I don't see any of those feelings coming out the last few days. All of you so-called "infertiles" (and the sister of an infertile) can fuck off now, 'cause I'm closed for business. You can find somewhere else to get your daily fix of drama to spice up your mundane lives. You can go somewhere else to spit your cowardly anonymous vitriol. Kitchen's closed. The bottom line is, this debate has run its course; it just isn't interesting anymore.

Now for some positive news: I got my first internet "Fuck you!" how exciting! It's always nice, as a writer, to know that you've touched nerves in people. That is truly the only way to know that your writing has been effective. I'm touched, really.

Why I am such a lucky guy

Ok, now I know that love can be a bit cloying when you have to hear others talk about how much they're in love, but I really am quite the lucky man to have Julie in my life. On Amy's blog there is quite a few people that have said a lot of very unkind things. I've tried to just ignore it all, I didn't think it was appropriate to get into a war of words with anyone on someone else's blog. Is there such a thing as blog etiquette, I wonder? Anyway, Julie, I guess, was reading these comments and felt the need to defend me. I tried to get her to reconsider, telling her it wasn't worth it, and that there was no need to perpetuate the thread. She said, "Why do you think you're the only one in this relationship that can feel protective?" Match, set, point. Here then, is the transcript of what Julie said:

Tim, 'Jaileer' is a tremendous human being. This week he has done nothing but try to protect the feelings of his child and his child's mother. He is introspective, and COMPLETELY honest with himself about his shortcomings, emotions, and fears. I think that you would all understand the need for a new father to want to protect his newly formed family. This man has done nothing but love and support me- and our love has grown exponentially each day since we discovered we were going to become parents. A LOT of his initial reaction was - as he has acknowledged- overboard, but stems from what he saw his best friend and my other sister go through 2 years ago- That wasn't us, but since, we actually DID plan to have children together and have talked EXTENSIVELY about it we knew that the same thing might happen to us. He wanted my brother to hug me and he wanted to call my sister and tell her the exciting news right away and was upset and hurt for ME when this could not happen - Gee what a total JERK-eh? He did not say anything on his blog about my family that he did not say to them (with the exception of Amy and this community, which is sad for us all because one of her "friends" decided to point her in this direction)- I wish Amy realized that before she made her post.
I am not naive, Amy knows I am not naive, and she knows Tim is not either. Perhaps it is good to support her without badmouthing the two of us- especially since, unlike his blog, you all know we are going to be reading this. I would be very surprised if my sister, who shows me every day how much she adores me, does not feel even just a little defensive for Tim and I right now. Amy was a wonderful host over Thanksgiving and we shared some wonderful moments, which I am sure would have been blogged about by Tim if this had not all come about. I love that Tim is willing to admit he has a lot to learn, I love that he is fiercely protective of me and my feelings (which, up until today have not been hurt AT ALL). I HOPE my baby sees the love that he has for it in his writings. Just as you all need to protect you and yours, so do we. I am proud of Tim this week. I am proud of Amy this week. I am sad Amy had to see what were initial reactions to what he perceived as someone-anyone, sucking away my joy. I know that Amy would want for me a man so strongly devoted to us, I know I do. I will tell you what I tell him, which he so lovingly appreciates and ponders despite his sometimes stubborn self. Remember Tolerance and Acceptance- always. Please think about supporting Amy with love for her and not hate for us. Amy's niece or nephew will thank you all for it. That is all I will write, this is Amy's venue and I want it to return to being a positive place for her as soon as possible, I love her very much- Amy, together we'll break these chains of love!!!
- Julie

Jealous? You should be, cause she's gorgeous, too!

Comment comments:

First, I'd like to clarify a post I made earlier because it seems many people are confused. I know that Julie won't start showing until the third or fourth month; that was my point! My point was that we went and spent all that money and bought all those clothes when we have NO idea how big she is going to be. We looked at the clothes today and it was quite funny because we seemed to have had a total disregard to size. We have small's, large's and I think even one extra large! I'm new to this, sure, but I'm 30, people, I'm not completely unaware. My fault, though. A good writer should make his points completely unambiguous. Unless, of course, he's trying to be ambiguous, which I wasn't. Does anyone get my humor but me? Because I think I'm really quite funny...

Yes, I did talk about my olive branch to my Aunt, and yes, it is all about me on my blog. If you don't like hearing about me, read someone else's narcissistic ramblings.

Julie and I may seem naive to many of those whom have had the misfortune of going through miscarriages - in some cases several miscarriages. We are a touch naive, sure, this is our first time! I would ask of you that you don't steal our innocence from us. Allow us to be happy and revel in our gift. We know that there are chances that something could go wrong, and of course we're concerned about it. Perhaps next time we will wait three months but this time our joy overwhelmed us, and once we told a few people, those people told people, then we had to tell a bunch of people so no one's feelings were hurt! I know that repeated misfortune can cause one to become jaded, but give us our ignorance. Ignorance is, after all, bliss.

There is only one thing that I feel the need to apologize to Amy about, and that is taking her words and pasting them into my blog. As a (wanna-be) writer, I feel horrible about that because in hindsight, I know better. I also feel bad that anyone's feelings were hurt, but I can't apologize for my feelings, so an apology would be dishonest, and it would be a disservice to someone that I respect a good deal. That apology will come, in person, at the right time. If there are those among you that can't deal with it, feel free to stop reading my blog.

I'd like to reiterate for (hopefully) the last time: I never intended for anyone to see this blog. I still have NO idea how the inner machinations of the blog world work; and I really don't care to, but I do realize now how easy it is to find one. I'd say that lesson was learned a bit late, so what am I to do about it? I've never given anyone this address, and won't. I'm ecstatic that some people enjoy my style of writing and what I have to say. After all, I have a blog, I'm a narcissist! That being said, however, I don't care if you come back or not. Feel free, I guess the cat's out of the bag, but if you don't that's great too. This is not a plea to stop leaving shitty remarks because, like I said, if you're leaving shitty comments and you're anonymous, you're a coward and I'm not at all concerned with your opinions. If you disagree with something I say, I'd be more than happy to listen to you, and discuss why I feel the way I do. Perhaps I'll learn something, you know? Thanks to Lisa, my first lessons have already been learned. Not bad for only one week. Man, what a week though, eh?

People always say, "Don't talk about religion or politics!" Well why the hell not? Why would I want to talk about shit that doesn't matter? I want to discuss things that people are passionate about! I want to talk about things that matter; I want to learn. Talking about sports or cars or even babies is fun and necessary, but there is a whole big world out there, and it begs to be explored. If I can't explore it myself, I expect you to help me! Julie likes to say that life is a river and everybody is their own stream or something like that. Essentially she just means that everyone has their own thoughts, opinions and lives, and those differences should be celebrated. Such a smart girl...

This is my first post geared exclusively towards the people I know are going to read this later, and hopefully my last. I have turned a corner, but I hope it's not too late to go back. I guess things grow and adapt, and if that is what this becomes, I should just go with it. Everything is organic, everything changes. I just hope that I'm able to continue writing honestly. Should be interesting.

The marriage thing. Listen, I don't have anything against people that get married, I just don't see the point in it. That doesn't mean I think people are wrong, it just means it's not for me; like religion. I think a big part of marriage is rooted in religion, which has it's roots in a lot of pagan rituals. That's cool and all, but thanks anyway. I don't feel the need to prove my love of Julie to outsiders and onlookers. As long as Julie and I know we are in love, then we are in love! I don't need an antiquated ritual to prove it to me. Divorce rates are 60% anyway, so where is the sanctity of marriage that people try to bring up? That's why I say gays should be allowed to marry and divorce just live the rest of our population! Who the hell cares?

For those of you who keep saying to look at things from Amy's perspective; I'm trying. I will hopefully never know how she feels, so I'll hopefully never fully understand. As someone who cares about Amy, I'm impressed that she has such a strong support group that has undeniably helped her through a very difficult period in her life. That being said, as much as I could be more understanding, many of you could be a lot less bitter. Perhaps we all could use some introspection. Would you like it if everyone had the issues you're having? Would it make you feel better if everyone had to suffer the misery and the pain that you've had to? Would you wish your plight on your sister, your cousins, your loved ones? Just because it hasn't happened to us doesn't mean we don't still love you, it just means we might not fully get it. We know you're unhappy, we just don't get how unhappy you are. You know what? I understand that feeling. Like I said before, I have Tourette's Syndrome. It causes me to twitch quite a bit, especially when I'm stressed or upset. (Oh hey, like this week!) I make noises, I crack my knuckles and make noises during funerals and weddings and any other time I'm supposed to be quiet. The worst part is the OCD and the ADD. My OCD has caused a lot of pain for me, Julie, and everyone else I've ever loved. Am I looking for sympathy? Nope. Am I trying to compare what I have to what you're going through? No. What I'm saying is, I understand the feeling of, "no one understands except people who have gone through what I've gone through." You cannot alienate everyone that isn't like you. Everyone is fucked up in their own way. Accept it.

Quick hits: Thanks again, Lisa and thank you, Sonetka for the apology, it is most certainly accepted; thanks to Watkins, the first person who found this little mess, and has said some very kind things; yes, Anonymous Person, I realize my "baby" is just an embryo, but you're a liar if you tell me you wouldn't be as excited as I am. More cautious, perhaps, but no less excited; calling me a "fertile" is funny, even though I know it shouldn't be.

Finally, to the person who sent my blog to Amy: What were you hoping to accomplish? Was it really because you were concerned for her, or are you simply one of those people who love a good drama? People's emotions were affected by your actions, peoples lives, even. This blogging shit may seem an anonymous and faceless escape, but actions and words have consequences. I hope, for your sake, that you had only the best intentions for Amy.